Thursday was my hardest day, so far. Clay has been getting worse and I had spent several nights in a row waking up all through the night with him. My back is hurting from pulling on him and trying to move him around in our big bed. The nurses would have to literally get in the bed with him to help him because he would roll to the middle. Leaning him up to drink was difficult and caused pressure headaches. The list goes on….and I’m sparing you lots of details.
So, the Lord brought me to the end of my rope so that I would be ready for the next step. I went out for my morning coffee and time with the Lord. The balcony was an amazing place to pour my heart out to the Lord. I prayed for a while, and told Him that I trust Him. I could feel that He had prepared me for this day.
I texted the nurse and asked her to order a hospital bed. We spent Thursday cleaning the room and making the bed comfortable for him. The Lord sent Janell to be here with me so she could clean and help me arrange the room. Robin and Caleb came with supplies, moral support and to help move him to the new bed. Mom was here for moral support and whatever I needed her to do.
I cried a lot. You might think we are ridiculous, but I don’t think we’ve ever slept apart, unless we were in different cities. One time we went on a vacation and the room Clay and I stayed in had 2 twin beds. He was not happy when we walked in. I remember him saying, “Um. We’re either pushing these together or we’re sharing a twin bed.” He just wanted to sleep near me. We did push the beds together, but we basically slept on one bed. I mean, who wants to sleep on the crack??
I guess, it’s also hard because it brings a greater reality that the end is near. I thought he would look worse in a hospital bed. But, the truth is….once I got over my emotions, I quickly saw the benefit. He is comfortable (mainly because of the memory foam mattress topper Robin brought.) We can move him more easily, elevate his head and feet, stand on both sides of the bed to assist him, raise the bed to our height. It’s just so much better.
Once we got him settled, mom said, “He just looks better, doesn’t he?” And he did.
You know, I’ve come to a full realization of what it is to trust God. To trust Him with every detail. He knows what we need, if we’ll just listen to Him. I knew He was telling me it was time.
“For the which cause I also suffer these things: nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.” II Timothy 1:12
Timothy is talking about his suffering for Christ in this verse, but the words “FOR I KNOW WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED” just keep coming to my mind this morning. I do believe Him. I do. And, through this time, He has caused my belief in Him to grow every day. Jesus is able to keep us until we see Him face to face. We have to trust Him.
I thought of this song as I was writing this blog.
He has to be everything to us. We have to come to a point in our life where our knowledge of Christ becomes a reality. When we allow Him to truly be everything….more than words on a page, more than Sunday School stories….He has to be everything. And, when we let Him be everything, we’ll find that we can do anything.
The Lord continues to encourage us and do sweet things for us that remind us He is near. Our faith remains strong. The kids are holding up very well, and we are having very precious moments with Clay right now. God has blessed us with this beautiful weather the past few days. So, yesterday, we moved Clay’s bed so he could look outside and just feel the breeze. I think it was good for him. He had been really restless, but when we opened the doors, he calmed down and slept a while.
He winked at Sam yesterday and smiled a huge smile a few different times. We shaved him and gave him a really good bath. He looks so good! It’s strange that he still looks so healthy. The Lord keeps sustaining him. It’s so beautiful to watch. Clay’s Aunt Jean and Aunt Faye came yesterday. When they were praying over him, he squeezed Jean’s hand and sighed to let her know he could hear her.
God continues to send precious people to encourage us. Kayla brought me coffee and got to be here when the Lord blessed me with the most wonderful gift that I can’t really tell you about yet. Just know that God loves you and He hears even the smallest prayers deep in your heart. My friend Tiffany Hingle blessed me and sent Rachael Lagarde to see me. She is helping me create something that I’ve been wanting for awhile. God is so sweet.
Our nurses, Julie, Christy and others have been so sweet. This is Christy below and Julie is shown above with Clay. My sweet friend, Anna VanV Abrahams, came to play the piano for us. She came Thursday night, and after such a hard day, it was God’s way of comforting me. We worshiped Him together and it was just what I needed before bed. I didn’t even cry when I laid down without Clay for the first time.
The last time he drank water was Thursday am. He only had a small amount and Julie realized he couldn’t really tolerate it. That’s when we stopped giving him his seizure meds via pill and moved to a shot. Britton, his niece who is a nurse, was here that night to give him the evening shot. But yesterday, I had to do it for the first time, and I did fine. I’ve given it a few times, now, and he stays very calm.
Grace, mom and I actually snuck in a little nap yesterday. Then, we had a quiet evening here with just the 5 of us. We all slept really well last night. Grace stayed up here with me and we had to get up a few times to help him, but we slept a lot. He was very still and calm. We all needed a good night sleep!
We covet your prayers over these coming days. I can feel that the end is very near. We still believe with all of our hearts that God can raise him up. He absolutely can, if that is what He desires. If not, we know that these next few days will be precious and excruciating at the same time. Thank you for praying.
Today, would you please pray for Clay’s parents. I know they are so proud of him, and so thankful for his testimony, but that doesn’t make it easier. They love the Lord and have been so strong in their faith the entire time. Pray for the endurance we all need right now. Pray for God to cover them both in His love. Pray for peace that passes understanding. I’m so thankful that they have always loved me like their daughter and they have supported me this through all the decisions during this time. They love me and I love them dearly. It is such a blessing right now.
Thank you for your prayers for our entire family. We are all so close, and each of us is hurting. Pray for God to wrap all of us in His arms. I am praying for you today. Praying for each of you that read our blog to trust God in your own lives. Praying that this message the Lord is teaching us will change you, too. Trust Him to always do what is best for you and I pray that He is your EVERYTHING today. We love you!