Today, at around 1:30, the house got pretty quiet. We had visitors most of the morning and we love visitors. Clay got sleepy and he laid on the bed. I sat beside him and opened my laptop to write a blog post. I thought I knew exactly what God wanted to say and I spent an hour and a half writing to you. Suddenly, when I was almost finished, my laptop froze. Froze. I could not get it to to do anything. I literally prayed over it. I said, “God, you are the one writing this blog. You gave me those words. Please make my computer restart so I don’t have to do all that over.” Some friends from church came to visit and they even prayed about it with me. Well, it didn’t come back up. I restarted the computer and it was gone.
I have told the Lord from the beginning of this process that I don’t want to do or say anything He doesn’t want me to do or say. I want Him to be in control. He is ministering through our situation and we want Him to receive all the glory. There are over 22,000 visitors to our blog and you all have viewed the blog over 160,000 times. It is hard for me to imagine that there are that many of you who are interested in our story. But, I know, because of your testimonies, that God is using it. So, today, when the blog was lost, I just sat here on my bed and told the Lord that I surrender to His will. This is not about me. It’s not about my plans. It’s not about what I think is best. It is about what God wants. It is about what He sees. It’s about what He needs.
He used this to remind me of this truth in my current situation. Clay has said to me several times over the past two weeks, “This isn’t what we had planned is it?” And, the truth is, it’s not. We had planned to retire at 55 and travel. We planned to grow old together in peace and quiet. We planned to watch our kids grow up and live productive lives. Those things may still happen, but one thing is for sure, we never planned for THIS. But, God is not controlled by what I planned. He sees a timeline that is so much bigger than my little life. He sees eternity and everything that is leading up to eternity. I have to submit to His will. So, I just didn’t worry about the fact that I lost my blog post. I just enjoyed the reminder from my Father that He is in control. It’s kind of nice, actually, to just rest and trust Him and not feel like I have to make all this happen.
Clay and I were talking this morning about the trip to Houston next week. We have appointments set for Thursday and Friday. We will have a follow up with the Neurosurgeon, meet the Oncologist and meet the Radiologist. We have agreed to meet with the doctors at MD Anderson to learn about clinical trials or treatment options that would only be available there. Our hearts desire is to have treatment here at home so we can be with our family and friends. The radiology will be at least 6 weeks, everyday. We are going to have decisions to make next week and we need wisdom. We were talking about all the information we’ve received from all of you who are so concerned about us. It has been helpful and we love you for caring about us so much. I got pretty emotional telling Clay that I would go anywhere and do anything for him to live. If there is a cure, I want to find it. I would do anything to keep him here with me. He looked at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, “Baby, that is not your responsibility. Don’t carry that weight on your shoulders.” He’s so sweet. Some men would be ordering their wives to figure it out. Do research. Run all over and find me an answer! Clay is just resting in Jesus. He is trusting that God is in control and that He has our answer. I just keep hearing the Lord remind me of Psalm 33…it is not the horse that you ride into battle that saves you.
I believe it. God is in control and He has already ordered every footstep. One of our dearest friends came over last night and was sharing some things the Lord has shown him about our situation. He said, “It’s like y’all are walking across the Red Sea and God is parting the water for you. But, He’s only parting the sea just in front of you. Each time you take a step, He parts it a little more. But it’s not parted all the way across for you to see what is ahead. You can be assured that you are walking in the perfect will of God.” It’s so true. I have never been so positive in all my life that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Clay and I are in the perfect will of God right now. We know because He is ordaining every single step. The miracles that have gotten us to this point are so incredible, that there is no doubt we are in His will. There is so much peace in that. It is a peace that sustains us, even though we don’t know what we will see when He finishes parting our Red Sea. We don’t know what awaits us on the other shore. But, we know that He is there.
We’ve had some really good days since we’ve been home. Being home is making a big difference in Clay’s recovery. He’s sleeping perfectly and the visits from family and friends are encouraging him so much. We continue to pray as we prepare our hearts for next week. We are asking God to do what He has already done….to make our path straight. He will.
Here are a few pics from the past few days:
The baseball team visited us last night after their game. Clay was so worried about the boys seeing his head, but they all think it is cool that their baseball coach now has a baseball seam on his head. That’s pretty die hard, right?! Grace had some friends spend the night, which felt really normal and good. We love the kid’s friends so much. Clay’s uncle, Chuck, came and took him for a walk around the block. It was a beautiful morning for it and it helped him to get out. Caleb came for a visit and we got a pic of him trying to do “The Clay” point. He’s terrible at it, but we still love him. Church friends came to visit and brought us some healthy snacks – Angel, Jamie and Stacey. They encouraged us by telling us all that God is doing in our church right now. Angela and Promise brought us dinner and shared some awesome things from the Word that really encouraged us. And, Clay’s cousin Amy, and her husband, Scooter, came to visit for a while. It was a sweet time of celebration with Amy because we believe God just healed her of her own scare with cancer.
We are begin showered with love and provisions. Thank you to each of you who have helped us so much. The blog post I wrote today, that got deleted, was about some of the things you all have done for us. So, I hope to rewrite it and thank you. Clay’s memory is getting much better and his pain has essentially stopped. He is not taking any more pain medicine, but he is still on steroids for swelling. He is strong and is able to get around without much help. I haven’t let him out of my sight very much, yet, but he’s recovering very well.
We love you and pray you are blessed tonight. Thank you for the continued prayers.
3 thoughts on “It’s Not My Plan”
I cry every time I read your blog. Not because I hate that y’all are going through this. It’s because I love when God uses people to show His love and faithfulness. I love that you embrace the hard times to draw closer to the Lord. Thank you for your transparency and sharing your heart. It encourages me every day. Praying for God to continue the good work He has begun.
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I LOVE READING YOUR POST. I WAS MARRIED TO DONNIE, CLAY’S COUSIN, AND HAVE ALWAYS LOVED CLAY. HE WAS A BRIGHT, SMART, CARING, LOVING INDIVIDUAL AS A YOUNG MAN. I HAVE PRAYED FOR YOUR FAMILY SINCE I FOUND OUT THE NEWS, AND YES, GOD HAS ANSWERED MY PRAYERS! YOUR BLOGS REALLY PUT THINGS INTO LIGHT OF HOW THINGS SHOULD BE IN OUR CHRISTIAN LIVES. HE TRULY LOVES HIS FAMILY AND IT IS CLEARLY SHOWN IN YOUR BLOGS. AND BY HIS LOVE FOR FAMILY, GOD HAS SHOWN HIS LOVE FOR HIM. PRAISE THE LORD!!! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME! LOVE TO ALL AND PRAYERS.
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It is though God is entering the earth realm through your blogs. I have been reading your blogging and sharing it with everyone I know.,Keep allowing God to use you as a vessel.
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