If I’m being entirely honest with you, I have to admit that this doesn’t feel quite real. Every time I look at Facebook or I see you all sharing our blog posts, I feel like I am watching someone else’s story. I see our faces and the first thought through my mind is, “This can’t really be happening.” I’ve seen so many stories of tragedy on social media in the past and I would read the stories and pray for the people, but I never imagined we would become a story one day. We are just a normal little family. Just living our lives. It just doesn’t seem real. But, here we are.
We arrived in Houston at around 6 pm today. We left the house excited about the road trip and the possibility of having some fun while we are here. The kids were excited about the opportunity for a few days of family time. While we were packing up, I received a very insightful text from my sweet friend, Paige Kirby. She is going through a similar situation with her husband who has been fighting cancer for over a year (maybe longer) so she knows exactly how I’m feeling. She warned that the drive over here today could be very emotional for us. It is hard to put in to words the feeling of accepting that you are driving here not to visit someone else, but to be treated yourself. Boy, was she right. I didn’t really expect it. We were trying so hard to keep our minds on the good, but as we started to drive, the closer we got to Houston, the more emotion we felt. It didn’t help that Clay didn’t feel good today. His head hurt a lot. I had to pick up his test results from the BR General this morning and I read the surgeons notes from his review of the MRI. It is bleak. We truly need a miracle.
But, as the emotion grew stronger, my resolve grew stronger still. I turned up the worship music and we focused our thoughts on the Lord. Psalms talks about how David encouraged himself in the Lord.
Psalm 103: 1-2 “Praise the Lord, I tell myself; with my whole heart I will praise His holy name. Praise the Lord, I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me.”
In all of David’s troubles, he encouraged himself in the Lord. I have a note in my Bible beside this verse that reads….
“Tozer said, ‘Stop listening to yourself and start talking to yourself.'”
This is truth to me right now. If I was listening to myself, I would be sitting on a pile of ashes and yelling at God. Why me? Why Clay? Why now? This is not fair. I can just see it. All of my ugly flesh in all of its glory. My pride and self justification would be in full force. I would be just like Job, telling God all the great things I’ve done and all the reasons why Clay should be allowed to live. In our pride, we would be arguing with Him and asking Him to tell us what we had done to deserve this. So, this is why I refuse to listen to myself. I can’t afford to let my flesh have any place right now. I crucify it and beg the Holy Spirit to live in me.
We can take our cues here from David. He was a troubled soul, but he knew where His strength came from. He encouraged himself in the Lord by remembering the things God had done. By remembering His promises. By loving His word and mediating on it day and night.
Psalm 119:143, “Trouble and anguish have taken hold on me; yet thy commandments are my delights.”
David knew that his heart would be overcome with anguish unless he meditated on the Word. He loved the Word, which then was just the law. The Old Testament. We have so much more. We have Jesus and the complete Bible. We know the story of redemption and the way of salvation. We have an eternal hope of glory. We have the New Testament and all of the teachings of the apostles. We have a mediator between God and man. Thank you, God, for giving us your Word that is alive. It is life to us right now. It is the only thing that can encourage our souls. So, tonight we are keeping our thoughts on this moment and praising God for all the good things He has done. We are filling our thoughts with His word and His unfailing love.
We are sitting out by the pool at our hotel, having dinner and the kids are swimming. Clay and I are laying on these awesome lounge chairs and the weather is perfect. While the kids swam we had time to talk about the emotions of the day. We have always been able to communicate really well. I know that will be very important in the coming weeks and months. We choose to live in the moment. We choose to give God glory. We choose to trust His perfect plan for our lives. We choose to encourage ourselves in the Lord. Goodnight.