I know there is probably some risk in posting this. I am not a doctor, and most of you who view this are not able to interpret this picture. Actually, our beloved Dr. Russell and the Radiologist even went back and forth on what the results actually are. So, I know that it might not be a good idea.

But, I needed to see it. And, I want you to be able to see it, too. Of course, it is nothing like it was before surgery. I’ll never forget how huge that tumor in the middle looked before surgery. Thank God for a successful surgery that changed our course dramatically.

But, my heart wanted it to be completely gone so badly.

The Lord has really guarded my heart from expectations. Even this morning, as I prayed, all I could say was “Thy will be done, Lord.” My heart means that. The Holy Spirit is really helping me to mean it, but it doesn’t change the emotions that are intertwined with everything that happens.

I want Clay to be healed. I want him to live. I want him to be himself again. Deep down, how could I help but to want the doctor to say, “We don’t see any cancer!” So, without admitting it, I guess that’s what I wanted today. Because what I heard felt like a huge disappointment.

I want His will.

Accepting that His will is different from my desires is the hard part. But, I will accept it. I will. With His grace, I will.

Our morning started with our most precious Pastors, Lee and Carla Shipp. They drove to our house for 8:45, just so they could pray with us before we left. And their prayers for us are so sincere and encouraging. Clay and I both freely admit that we would not be where we are in our faith if it were not for these two people. I love them more than I could ever express.

We picked up his mom, fought the traffic and got to the BR General for 10:00 am. And, guess who was waiting for us?

Kayla. She just wanted to see us before we went in and pray with us. I’m shaking my head while I type this. I just can’t express how thankful I am for the love of the Body of Christ around us. Unfortunately, my mom didn’t make any of the pics. She came, too. Mom and Flo waited outside while Clay and I went in for the MRI.

I love that they let me sit with him during the MRI. Clay used to get really nervous about the MRI machine and he would ask if I could please come in. Everyone so far has let me and it has been a special time for us. I just sit beside him and hold his hand, or his leg, while he lays as still as possible.

They give us ear plugs because the machine is so loud and the room is really cold. I realized today that it almost felt like I was in another place because I got so zoned out while praying. (Maybe I should use earplugs when I’m at home praying! Ha.) We were in there about an hour.

 

I prayed, again, for God’s will and for a heart that will trust and accept His will, no matter what it is. I reminded God that today would be a really good day for a miracle and that many people are watching to see Him work.

We left the MRI and walked right over to Dr. Russell’s office. While we waiting, he met with the Radiologist reviewing the MRI. When he opened the door, the first words out of his mouth were, “Everything looks OK.” Emphasis on the “OK.” I didn’t know how to feel. He told us that the tumor basically looks the same. The Radiologist believes that there is slight growth in the tumors, but Dr. Russell thinks they have stayed the same.

It’s hard to process information in these meetings. You just kind of stare at the doctor like you totally understand everything, but your brain is 3 minutes behind in the conversation. So, as my brain caught up, I finally said, “Can I see it?” He so kindly took us in his office and pulled up the images on the screen.

I needed to see it. But, I was disappointed with what I saw. It looks a lot like the MRI looked before treatment. My hope was that the radiation had killed some of the cancer….well, all of the cancer. But, it didn’t.

After some deliberation and discussion with our Oncologist, Dr. Russell told us that they are petitioning our insurance company to allow Clay to also start another drug called Avastin.

Remember the first time we met Dr. Russell? He called the doctor who is the head of the Brain Tumor Center at Duke. You know…He just got him on his cell phone real quick while Clay and I sat there waiting. Ha. I was super impressed by that. Anyway, that doctor told Dr. Russell that Duke has been giving Avastin with the chemo right from the beginning of treatment.

Well, our insurance would not approve this. So, Clay has not been given the Avastin. After today’s MRI, Dr. Russell thinks the insurance company will approve the Avastin. Dr. Russell looked at us and in the most compassionate voice said, “God is going to use this MRI to accomplish something else. It might feel like bad news to you, but I am not surprised or excited (meaning in a bad way) about the results.” Then we held hands and he prayed for us.

I love him. And I appreciate him so much. It took me a few hours to really process what had happened and I felt pretty numb when we left his office.

But, God, in His perfect timing, provided an opportunity for us to minister to someone else in great need. Our friends, Chris and Jenna Wilcox, were at the hospital having a chemo infusion today. We walked upstairs to pray with them and encourage them. Of course, they were sitting in the chemo room praying for us. And they were anxious to hear about our report. Jenna just smiled a huge smile, through her face mask, and said, “Well, it gives God a bigger opportunity to do a miracle. We’ll just keep believing!”

It’s amazing how ministering to someone else can help you with your own heart. We prayed for Chris and for Jenna from a place of acquaintance. We know how they feel. So, we know how to pray for them. And, we know that God hears our prayers. And, when we walked away, I was reminded of the purpose in the pain. I was reminded that God can use us and minister through us in a way that He never could before May 2, 2016.

Everything has changed. But, prayerfully, we will maintain a heavenly perspective and live every moment knowing that everything God does has eternal purpose. What we see on this earth, though it may seem very precious to us now, does not compare to what is waiting for us in heaven.

Thank you for your prayers. We will be sending a copy of the MRI to Dr. Weinberg, the surgeon at MD Anderson. We will be waiting to hear from Dr. McCanless, the Oncologist, regarding the Avastin infusion. We will have another MRI in 8 weeks. And, in the meantime, our hearts are focused on the goodness of God and we are thankful for His many blessings. We are thankful for hope.

We love you. Goodnight.

Press play on this video so you can listen to this song as you read this post.

It would be so easy for me to tell you that the reason I have not written a post in several weeks is because we have been so busy due to the flooding in our home town. The flooding was tremendous and the work has been overwhelming. This is true.

But, that is not why I have not written.

From the first time I wrote a blog post, I told the Lord that this is His blog. I was not writing because I wanted to. I was writing because I had to. The Holy Spirit would almost move my fingers….I’m not kidding. It was like a burning inside of me and the words just had to come out. The Holy Spirit was so close. He was tangible.

But, Clay’s treatment ended. The flood came. My schedule got interrupted. And, I let my self motivation take over. I started doing things on my own. I stopped consulting the Lord with every breath. I became distracted and consumed with the task at hand and I left that place of intimacy with Jesus.

And, guess what happened? The same thing that happens to you when you do this. (You know what I’m talking about.)

I got sad. I got overwhelmed. I got tired. Very tired.

I got worried. I got frustrated.

I lost sight of a few really important things.

And, then, I realized that even if I had wanted to write a blog post, I couldn’t. I just didn’t have anything to give. I was empty. I was broken. I was sad.

I found myself constantly thinking about my situation. I was watching a great deal of devastation all around me, and my heart broke for my family and friends who lost everything. Then I would look back at my life and feel devastated all over again. I started looking at those walls of water on both sides of me. Remember those walls? Those millions of pounds of water that are shooting up into the air in order to clear a path for us to walk on dry ground?? Yes. Those walls.

They are loud, they are heavy, they are huge, they are completely scary. But, the God who holds them up for me to walk, is the same God that He has always been. And, He is still here. I am not alone. You are not alone.

He goes before you. He never leaves you. He loves you. Let that thought sink in. I hope you are able to listen to the lyrics of this beautiful song while you read. They are so good. What more could we ask for in this life? Than to know that we are not alone. That Jesus is with us and He is acquainted with us. He has suffered so much more than we will ever suffer. He knows how we feel.

The best part is that He is waiting for us to come back when we stray away. Honestly, y’all, I had to just repent. I had to ask Him to forgive me. I had to admit what I had done and ask for forgiveness. I had to admit that I can not do this on my own. I can not handle this without Jesus. I can’t.

Unlike me, or you, God is perfect. And when we come with a repentant heart, He is so eager to forgive us and love on us. Sometimes when we are hurt by others, it takes us a while to forgive. You know what I mean? When someone offends you and then they come apologize. They can even really mean it. But, it can take time for us to accept the apology and really let go of the anger. Ok, maybe you don’t know what I mean, but I am like this.

God isn’t like that. He was waiting for me. I can just imagine Him standing there with excitement on His face. I can see Him with His lips already forming the word “YES! Yes I forgive you!” Even before I could get the words out of my mouth….because He knew that my heart was sorry. He can see the deepest parts of my heart and mind. He knew. And He had already forgiven me. My sin was already covered and washed away.

So, I knelt and told Him I was sorry and immediately…..I’m not kidding……immediately, the words that I’m typing right now starting flooding into my mind. It’s kind of crazy. But, it reassures me that the Lord intends for this message to go out. Even if I have to admit to all of you that I am a sinner and that I’m imperfect, it’s ok because you already knew that. And, you are just like me. We are just wretched sinners who need a Savior.

So, wherever you are today. Whatever you are dealing with. No matter the burden you bear. Don’t trust in yourself. Don’t rely on your own wisdom or strength. It won’t work.

Come back to Jesus. Come close. Know Him. Be intimate with Him.

Let Him love you and forgive you. You are not alone. What an amazing thought? We are not alone.

We are also not alone in our battles because we are surrounded by so many others who are suffering, too. One of those is a very special friend of mine from high school.

I remember like yesterday when I heard that Paige Landry’s husband Graham had been diagnosed with cancer. It’s been 3 years since their fight began. They fell in love when they were 17 years old, have been happily married since, and have 3 adorable little girls. My mom says they look like the girls in Despicable Me! Ha. So cute.

I remember feeling so desperate for Paige and Graham. I laid in bed one night with Clay and just bawled while hugging him so tight. I wondered what in the world she must be feeling and thanked God that I had never known desperation like that. When I got the news of Clay, Paige was one of the first people I thought of. I know knew how she felt. Hmmmm….I never dreamed we would share the same burden. Never.

But, we do. And it was so wonderful to finally be together this week. They were in town to bring supplies to flood victims and we got to have dinner with them. This is why God created the Body of Christ – the Church. Because we need each other.

We talked about our stories, cried about our difficulties, encouraged each other and prayed for each other like no one else can really pray for us right now. It is not a bond I ever wanted to have with anyone, but we have it. And, I’m thankful to know this amazing couple who are walking across their own Red Sea with grace and love for Jesus.

I love this picture. It’s from Seaside, when we ran to the beach for a few days after treatment ended. Clay has always loved to rock in a rocking chair.

As we expected, we miss going to treatment every day. We realized that it was sort of like a safety blanket for us. We felt more secure knowing that the tumor was being radiated. And, as we expected, we had some moments of fear during the last few weeks.

The Friday morning of the storm, he woke up with a pressure headache. He hasn’t had that since before surgery. The first thought we both had was, “It must be growing back!” I know. It’s silly, but we can’t help it. He started steroids, again, and Dr. Russell told us the headache was most likely from swelling.

The flooding has been a good distraction for us, because we are in a waiting period. His MRI is scheduled for Thursday at 10:00 am. We will go immediately to Dr. Russell’s office and he will show us the results. I’m so thankful we won’t have to wait any longer.

I got a little concerned about some symptoms Clay was having, so we went to see Dr. Russell this past week. When he walked in the room, he looked at me and I knew immediately that he knew exactly  how I was feeling. He held my hand and, in the most sincere voice, said, “You are not going to make a mistake. Your instincts have been perfect and you are doing a wonderful job taking care of your husband.”

We all know that the “instincts” he refers to are the Holy Spirit giving me direction, so this has nothing to do with me. But, he could see in my eyes that I am scared. I am scared that I’m going to miss something, or mess up the medicine, or misread a symptom. And, I guess the biggest fear of all is that it is going to come back soon. I’m scared to be alone.

That’s when the Holy Spirit came and reminded me that I can’t do this on my own and that I am not alone. No matter what happens. He has directed every step and, if I remain submitted to Him and close to Him, He will continue to direct us. I don’t have to be afraid because He is the one making the decisions and watching for the symptoms. He knows the future. He’s already there.

If I trust in myself, then I have to be scared. Because I can’t do it. But, if I trust in Him, I never have to be scared. He is in control.

While we are at Dr. Russell’s, we got to see Chris without his beard and his new mustache!

We love the staff. All of them. It is such a wonderful place. I think I’ll go back to school so I can go work there with them!

This morning, Clay is still sleeping. He started his next round of chemo last night. Here’s how it works…

He took a chemo pill everyday during radiation – 42 pills

Then he got to rest from it for about 4 weeks

Now he starts a 6 month cycle – he will take a higher dose of chemo for 5 days in a row, then rest for 23 days, 5 days, 23 days, etc. for 6 cycles

We will continue to have MRI’s done on a regular basis. I think every 8 – 12 weeks, but I’m not sure, yet.

But, the first one is Thursday. So, please join with us in prayer that it is a perfect report. The goal of radiation was to kill the remaining cancer cells that couldn’t be removed in surgery and to treat the areas where tumor was removed. The goal of the ongoing chemo is to keep the cancer from growing again. We are believing that God is able to use this medicine to heal Clay completely….even though science tells us that would be a miracle.

Good thing we know the God of miracles!

Before I go, I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes version of our life for the past 3 weeks…

In case you didn’t know, there was a big flood. A big flood. But, our house was an island in the midst of water. The hedge of protection that was prayed around our house stood firm and we did not flood.

My parents, grandmother, aunt, and cousin flooded and lost so much. My mom’s store was flooded and their building is a disaster. We worked for 2 weeks just cleaning everything out. Clay helped a lot. He couldn’t do what he used to be able to do, but he was with us every step of the way.

On the first day of clean up, he wasn’t feeling very good. Then my mom fainted. Fainted. Like totally out and hit the floor! So, we made a makeshift hospital ward in  mom’s flooded bedroom. They laid in the bed together for a while. Sam got a pretty good gash on his foot, so he thought he deserved to lay down, too.

Clay’s office was a total loss. At least 5 feet of water, and we didn’t have time to go there because of all the homes and other businesses flooded. So, by the time we got there with help from Randy Currier, Hayden Shipp and Jim Furlow, it was covered in mold and stunk in such a terrible way. It was just an office, but it was a bit hard for Clay to say goodbye to it. He loves his business and his clients and he loved that office. He continues to work from home while we wait on the Lord to show us a next step.

I became a patient of the hospital ward when I almost broke my foot working at mom’s store. Ouch! When that happened, I said, “Let’s go!” and I took my 86 year old grandmother, who worked her tail off, and Clay and we let Grace drive the hospital ward home for the day. Thank you, Jesus, that it wasn’t really hurt bad. He protected us several times during all the work.

In the middle of all the craziness, I walked into Wal-Mart with my mom, and I noticed a Pray for Clay shirt on a woman checking out. I didn’t even think about it, I just started walking toward her and I realized I didn’t even know her. I gave her a huge hug and said, “I don’t even know you and you are wearing my husband’s shirt! Thank you so much!” She hugged me back like we were life long friends and said, “You are Clay’s wife?!” It was so neat. We stood there and talked and I thanked her and her husband for supporting us and praying for us. People are awesome. I’m still overwhelmed by all the love we have been shown. So, now I have a new friend – Jill. Thank you, Jill!

Clay and Ron’s friend, Jonathan, came to BR with a trailer full of supplies. We got some for my parents, and that was very sweet. But, even more special was the way he prayed for Clay. I have goosebumps thinking about it. It was so cool to see these tired, grown men calling out to Jesus on our behalf. Thank you.

Our pool is a disaster. It keeps raining everyday. Gramps is exhausted. Kayla brought me a birthday cake. And Grace started playing Volleyball again!

We made time for mini-golf with Ben. He’s gotten kind of lost in all the craziness, so he enjoyed the time alone.

Ron drove across town just to get Clay a muffuletta….just because he mentioned he wanted it. Spoiled! It was a really good one, though. He let me have one piece.

Two of our kids are back to school as of today. And, I thought it would be funny to have their grandparents in their second-first day of school pic! No, they didn’t drive here for the photo op. They live here!!!! At least for now. And, we are enjoying it. Who gets to have coffee with their parents and grandmother every morning? Me! I love it.

And, in the midst of all that is going on around us, numerous people continue to text us, call us, send us cards, and pray for us. I have had several people say, “We just want you to know that you are not forgotten in the midst of the flooding.” There just are not words to express my gratitude for so many of you who are bringing our names before the throne of God every day. We feel so loved. Thank you.

 

Clay and I are sitting at the doctor’s office waiting on blood work results and this is literally the first time since Friday that I’ve had a chance to update this blog. I wish I had more time to update you with the things the Lord has been showing me during the tragedy we are living in, but I’ll have to be very short and sweet for now.

First, our house did not flood. We were trapped in the neighborhood from Friday evening to Tuesday at noon but we didn’t get water. It was literally all around us but the hedge of protection around our home proved true! Thank you, Jesus! The above pic is Clay sitting on our neighbors front yard looking at the neighborhood he grew up in completely under water. Our house backs up to this yard.

We were able to take in neighbors who flooded and my cousin who flooded. Praise God we had enough food for 16 people and 3 dogs for several days.

 

 

Clay’s office is a total loss, which is insignificant in light of all the other loss.

My parent’s house had 18″ of water, my grandmother lost everything to 5′ of water, their precious gift shop in Denham had a foot of water, my aunt and cousin had losses, too.  The devastation is all around us. We’ve been working and cleaning for days and our house has become a shelter for my family.

So, in the midst of chaos, we are sitting in the Oncology office surrounded by people fighting cancer. Their fight goes on, even in the midst of the floods. It gives me a very different perspective on the situation.

Clay’s symptoms have been bad the past week. He started having pressure headaches on Friday and he has been very confused. He describes it like he is in a fog constantly. Dr. Russell started him on steroids because he thinks Clay is experiencing some swelling from the radiation which is making the symptoms so bad.

We got to visit with Dr. Russell today and it made me feel much better. He said he’s not worried about Clay working in the mold and bacteria infested houses and he thinks the symptoms will improve over the next month.

The MRI is scheduled for Sept 8 at 10 am. We will review the results with him immediately. That MRI will tell us a lot. I’m relieved to know it is scheduled and we have plenty to distract us while we wait for the 8th to arrive. We picked up Clay’s signed mask, which I think I’ll hang in a very promonant place for a while. It’s a great reminder of God’s goodness.

Thank you for your concern and your love. Pray for Louisiana and our impacted family members. God is at work and I believe He is proving Himself to us right now. Shine bright and let His glory be revealed through your lives right now. These moments of trial are our greatest opportunity to show the world the power of our God!

If God loves us so much, why doesn’t He answer every prayer?

Why doesn’t everyone who prays for healing get healed?

Why do some prayers get answered when others don’t?

I’ve waited to write this post because I’ve been waiting on the Lord to help me understand completely. I could articulate in my own words how I felt about these questions, but it wasn’t until yesterday that the Lord really spoke to me and showed me in His Word how He feels.

So, my prayer in sharing these very deep, raw thoughts with you, is that in some way it will help you if you are currently praying for God to do something in your life.  Or, if you are dealing with the aftermath of an unanswered prayer.

From the minute Clay was diagnosed with Glioblastoma and the doctors in Baton Rouge told us they couldn’t help us, God has given both of us the same thoughts. It’s kind of strange, because you would think that the first thing we would pray would be a plea for healing.

But, it wasn’t.

The first thing we both prayed was “God, be glorified in our lives and in our situation. No matter what happens, just receive your glory.” Don’t you dare think to yourself that there is anything special about us. That was God. Not Clay. Not Kristy. It was God. It was very supernatural.

And, I’ll tell you that I will never forget it.

I will never forget that, just hours after the doctor said, “You have about 4 months to live,” our hospital room was filled with 20 people and the Holy Spirit came over me and prayed through me like never before. It was truly supernatural. And that prayer was not a prayer for healing.

God was speaking to me about what He was doing. The prayer was for our faith to remain strong. For us to be steadfast. For us to trust God no matter what. For God to give us endurance. I rebuked Satan and his attempt to destroy our faith and prayed that God would not allow him to take one single thing from us or our testimony. The prayer was for God to keep us from sin, and pride, and anything that would separate us from Him during this time.

I honestly can’t remember if I even asked God to heal Clay. I think I remember telling God that I believe He can…with all my heart. That our hope is sure and we know He is able. But, our desire is for His will to be done.

How does this happen? Because God truly prepared us for that moment. For years leading up to that day, God was preparing us. He was teaching us lessons that we didn’t understand until that moment. It all became crystal clear. And, because the preparation was done, He just lived through us and did everything. We didn’t even have to think. God literally did everything.

Why is this important?

Because we all have needs that we are asking God to meet. We all have desires that we are praying for God to fulfill. But, what happens to our faith when He doesn’t answer the way we want? How can we keep ourselves from becoming angry at Him for not doing it the way we thought He should?

Don’t put God in a box.

That is the answer. Don’t allow yourself to put God in a box. Don’t set God up for failure by telling Him what He should do. Submit yourself to Him and His will. And let Him decide what is best.

I’ve told you before about what the Lord showed me from Job while I was teaching the Ladies’ Retreat for our church just a few days before Clay got diagnosed.

We think of Job as a hero. As a righteous man who endured tremendous suffering and never cursed God. And, those things are true. Job withstood a greater test than any of us have ever known. God offered Him to be tested and Satan came in full force. Through it all, Job never cursed God. He never turned against God.

But….God had to humble Job. Because he was righteous, and because he had always done what was right, he was filled with pride. As he sits on his heap of ashes, in a total state of mourning, he is basically demanding an audience with God. He is yelling to God to come and show Himself so Job can plead his case. It’s as if he’s saying, “God, come here and show yourself to me so I can tell you just how righteous I’ve been.”

So, guess what? God answers him and shows up. He comes in a whirlwind. Oh my goodness. Can you imagine??? Sitting on a heap of ashes, in a field, and God showing up in a whirlwind. And, by the way, showing up because you yelled up at the heavens and basically demanded that He come? I can not even imagine what Job’s face must have looked like.

Then, God says, “Brace yourself.” Whoa. I never want to hear God say those words. And, God proceeds to prove to Job just how powerful He is. He says, “Where were you when I formed the earth?” I mean, what else does He have to say?? But, He goes on…and on….and on….and Job just has to listen as God tells him all the great and wonderful things He has done.

What is the point? The point is that Job endured what God allowed Satan to do to him to test him. He believed God to the very end. But, God had to show up in order to humble Job. And, in His mercy, He did show up. He humbled Job. And, then He was able to bless him and restore everything that was taken away.

I do not want to be filled with pride. No matter what happens to me. No matter what Satan does to test me. I don’t ever want to be filled with enough pride that I would demand an audience with God to plead my case. I want to have a heart that is humble and trusts God’s plan for my life, no matter what.

Where was I when He formed the earth? Nowhere. I was nowhere. I was nothing. He is everything. He is the creator.

He is the Alpha and Omega.

The Beginning and the End.

That means that He has already seen the end. He is the End. So, wouldn’t that mean that He knows what needs to happen to get us there?

Let’s say that God had come to Job and said, “Job, I want to allow Satan to tempt you and he is going to take everything away from you and you will end up covered in boils on a heap of ashes. Is that ok with you?” What do you think Job would have said? I don’t know. But, based on the way he demanded the opportunity to plead his case with God, I would imagine he would have asked God to consider another alternative for his life.

But, what if God wouldn’t have allowed Job’s situation to happen? Do you know how much information is gleaned from the book of Job? Do you know how many lives have been impacted and changed because of Job’s story? Think of the impact Job’s story had on the history of the world.

So, if God would have come to Job and said, “Job, you are going to be one of the most famous people to ever live on earth. I am going to use your life to display my greatness, reveal secrets to mankind, and change lives. Men will still be talking about you thousands of years from now. You will endure some hardships for a short time, but in the end you will have 7 times what you have now. Is that ok with you?”

What would Job have said to that? I don’t know, but I think he probably would have said, “Yes.” I would hope he would say yes. I would hope that I could say yes.

Isn’t that really what He did? God allowed some hardship for a short time, but in the end, God’s power was revealed, His majesty was displayed, lives have been changed, and Job is one of the most famous men to ever live. God is using his story thousands of years later.

God sees what we can not see. He knew…when Satan came to Him and thought he was so smart…God knew the end of the story. Satan didn’t. But, God did. He even knew that I would be typing this blog about Job and that the story of Job would be speaking to me in 2016 about my current situation. He knew all that.

Thank goodness He doesn’t always give us a choice, because Job may have said no. And, then where would we be? We wouldn’t have his testimony to help us today.

We have to trust God that everything He is doing is for a reason and that the purpose will be revealed when we are with Him in Heaven. And, we have to realize that our lives are but a vapor. Everything that happens on earth is affecting eternity. Our lives are not about what we see, they are about what we can’t see.

So, where is the line between a strong faith that will stand firm and believe God for a miracle, and a heart that trusts and believes God to do whatever He wants?

I have struggled with this question more than any other thing since May 2. I am so afraid that I will just accept the diagnosis and let Clay die, rather than standing on the Word of God and having a faith that is strong enough to pray for His healing and persuade God to do it.

But, I don’t want to step out and claim something that God isn’t telling me to do. I want His will to be done.

Our Pastor, Lee Shipp, showed us something really remarkable. Do you know the story of Hezekiah? He was a king of Israel. Isaiah comes to him one day and tells him that God has spoken. Hezekiah is sick and about to die. Isaiah tells him to get his affairs in order. Then, Hezekiah falls on his face and prays. He pleads with God to save his life. He reminds God that he has been a righteous king and has always tried to do what was pleasing to God.

So, God changes His mind and spares Hezekiah’s life.

Now, I have read this story a lot. I have even taught about this story and how we need to have the kind of prayer life that can affect God. I’ve contemplated what I would need to do in order to have such a strong prayer life that I could actually change God’s mind.

But, look what happens. The story is told in both II Kings 20 and II Chronicles 32. You have to read in both places to get the full picture. This is the real point….

II Chronicles 32: 24-25, “About that time, Hezekiah became deathly ill. He prayed to the Lord who healed him and gave him a miraculous sign. But, Hezekiah did not respond appropriately to the kindness shown him, and he became proud. So the Lord’s anger came against him and against Judah and Jerusalem.”

Rather than respond with love and thankfulness, God healed the man and he grew proud in his heart. And, because of his response, he caused the anger of God to burn against all of Israel, including his own family. If you keep reading, you will see that his sons became corrupt and were evil. All of this evil happened because he didn’t submit to God’s will.

What would have happened if Hezekiah would have just gotten his affairs in order and allowed God to carry out His plan? Maybe God could have blessed Israel. Maybe his sons would have been righteous kings. Maybe.

We’ll never know. But this we can know. We would never want to do that. Right? I would never want to ask God to change His mind and allow me more time on this earth, if it meant that my heart wouldn’t be right and it would cause curses and pain to others.

Please don’t think I am saying that Clay wouldn’t respond correctly to a healing. I trust the work God has done in his life and I do not believe that he would respond that way. However, even Clay would tell you that he would never want to stay here on earth if God wanted to take him home. If there is something that God needs to accomplish through Clay’s death, then Clay is submitted to that. Hezekiah’s story is an illustration. God is telling us to trust His plan. He is saying that we should be willing to submit to His plan, no matter the cost.

Then, why wouldn’t we just always pray, “God, let your will be done.” Why would we ever ask for a specific outcome? Where does the prayer of faith come in?

This is what God showed me yesterday while I was reading on the beach. John 15 is a very famous passage of scripture. Jesus says that He is the vine and we are the branches. He tells us to abide in Him. You know it. If you don’t, stop and read verses 1 – 10.

Verse 7 says, “If ye abide in me, and my ‘words’ abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done until you.”

Ok. Sounds easy enough, right? Abide in Him. Let His Word abide in you. Ask and He’ll do it.

In the original text, the word used here for ‘words’ is “rhema.” It means that His Rhema Word must abide in you in order for you to ask what you will and have it done unto you. The translation for “rhema” is “That which is uttered by the living voice, a thing spoken.” A rhema word from God is an inspired thought or interpretation of scripture in which the Holy Spirit speaks a specific, timely word to a person.

This means that as we read the Bible, the Holy Spirit can use the words of the Bible to speak to us regarding specific situations in our present lives. This happens all the time. You read a scripture you’ve read hundreds of times before, but suddenly one day, it takes on a whole new meaning. Or, the Holy Spirit reveals a truth to you that you’ve never seen before.

So that scripture (John 15:7) is referring to His Rhema Word. Not just the Bible. The inspired interpretation of the Bible, inspired by the Holy Spirit for your current situation. It is a living, spoken Word from God.

I think we put God in a box by reading the Bible and claiming certain scriptures for our lives, without those scriptures being inspired by the Holy Spirit for our circumstance. You can find a scripture to back up almost anything you want to believe. The question we have to answer is “What is God trying to accomplish in my present circumstance?”

That’s why we need the Rhema Word. We need the Holy Spirit to speak to us and reveal God’s plan so that we know how to pray. Then, when we abide in Him, and His Rhema Word abides in us, we will ask Him to do what He has revealed as His will and He will do it.

This is not God’s way of telling us that we can have whatever we want.

He is saying that if we abide in Him and seek His Rhema Word, then our prayers will align with His will and it will be done.

I have been praying, since May 2, for God to reveal His will for our circumstance. My greatest desire is for His will to be done, but I want to know what His will is, so I know how to pray. If He tells me that He wants to heal Clay, then I will have the faith and confidence to stand and believe Him to do it. But, He hasn’t told me that. I believe that He can….with all my heart. I have no doubt.

I remember one night at our prayer meeting at church. We were preparing to leave for our first trip to MD Anderson. We had no idea what was waiting for us there. Our church family was so shaken by our diagnosis and God had really caused them to pray so hard for us. We were in the altar, completely surrounded by people. There were so many tears and so many people crying out to God on our behalf. I remember feeling like I was literally floating because the prayers were so strong.

I was on the floor kneeling in front of Clay and holding his hands. When we finished praying, I looked at him with an anticipation. I wondered if I would look and see that God had healed him right there. I mean, there’s no way we could have prayed any harder. But, I knew in my spirit that it wasn’t done. I looked in his eyes and I knew there was no change. He wasn’t healed. In my spirit, I was hurting for all these sweet, Godly people that God had surrounded us with. I was scared that their faith would be damaged. They were believing God so much and begging Him to do this miracle and I knew that Satan would try his best to damage their faith.

Just as I was thinking these thoughts, our Pastor walked to the microphone and spent 10 minutes warning the entire church, in love, to guard our hearts. Although we have faith and believe that God can do this, we must be careful not to put Him in a box and only believe Him if He does what we ask. We must trust that His will is best.  I wouldn’t have known how to say what my Pastor said. But, he knew. And, he said it with such wisdom and love. He squashed anything Satan could have tried to do that night.

This is why our blog slogan is “Live or Die, we will praise you!” Because we just want God’s will and we trust that He will do what is best.

I know this was long, but each thought was needed in order to make the point of what God has been saying to me. I pray that it helps you if you are currently asking Him for a miracle. Or, if you are dealing with the fact that He hasn’t answered your prayers.

Trust Him. Ask Him to reveal His will so you will know how to pray. Ask Him for a Rhema Word, so you will know what He wants to do. Don’t put Him in a box with your expectations.

Believe that He is able, no matter what your current circumstance shows. Just believe Him.

And, remember….He sees what we can not see. Let His will be done. Amen.

Thursday was Clay’s last treatment! He has been radiated 30 times in 6 short weeks and he took 42 chemo pills. The doctors did everything in their power to attack Clay’s tumor with the best medicine available. But, we know who is in control. We know that God’s plan will unfold. He has greatly used these doctors and technicians to make a difference in our lives and we are forever grateful to them. I feel like we’ve gained a whole new family in this process.

Here are a few of the magnificent people at Pennington. From right to left – Cathy, Natalie, Brittny (I think I spelled this right??) Raymond, and Mary. I will never forget these faces, and several others that are not pictured. From the minute we walked into the clinic on that Friday afternoon, when our plans had gotten crushed the day before, we have felt at home.

We loved Dr. Russell the minute we laid eyes on him. We just knew that he was the doctor God had chosen for us. Well, Dr. Gummadi actually selected him, but we knew God told Dr. Gummdi what to do. Ha! Speaking of Dr. Gummadi, he was working at the Bluebonnet hospital on Thursday and he came down to see Clay just before his last treatment. I’ll write another blog post one day just about the Gummadi’s. God used them in the most amazing way in our lives during this time. It is another very cool story that will give you goosebumps.

Let me back up just a little bit….I skipped the most important part – the food!

We had a little pre-treatment celebration over lunch at Randy Montalbano’s seafood. My mom and dad met us there because it is one of Clay’s favorite places to eat. If you have never been, you have to try it. The food was especially good that day…maybe because our son was the chef. Sam had to work, so he got to visit with us while we ate, but he couldn’t come to the treatment with us. Emily and I managed to convince him to take a selfie with us so we could remember that he was there for a while. Thank you, Diane, for treating us to this lunch. We had a great time being together.

When we arrived at Pennington, Clay’s mom was waiting for us. Clay’s parents have both had cancer, so they are familiar with this process. However, I can see how it would be completely different to watch your son walk through it. As a parent, we always want to take the difficulties from our kids, so I know that Clay’s parents would rather this be them. But, we are all trusting in God’s plan and believing that He knows what is best. This is Clay with his mom. Sweet.

We got to the treatment center early and they took us in because they had some room in the schedule. Our parents got to come in the room and see how everything works. The staff members are always so kind to our visitors. And, they are patient with all my picture taking! Many of them read the blog, so they know that I have to document everything so I can share it with all of you.

I love how Clay was literally surrounded by friends and family when he laid down for the last treatment.

Watch the video below. Listen as Natalie says, “It’s going on for the last time, Mr. Furlow.” And, notice the song in the background. There was a lot of commotion when we were walking in, so Clay said, “I’ll be fine to just listen to the Message. You don’t have to plug my phone in.” So, we get into the room…he’s laying down on that table…and of all the songs that the Message plays on a daily basis, listen to what was on! “You’re a good, good father. It’s who You are. And I’m loved by You. It’s who I am. You are perfect in all of your ways to us…” See, God is always with us. He is in every detail. Every single one. God really ministered to me through that song several weeks before Clay got sick and it has been special to me. So, God just decided to play it on the Message for us at exactly the time Clay’s treatment started.

Watching the technicians work, is amazing. I’ve been so inspired by all of them. They see their work as a ministry and they fully understand the importance of every detail. Their work has added significant time to Clay’s life, but more importantly, the way they have treated us and cared for us, has made a difference in my entire family. Sickness is hard. There is no way around it. But, when you are loved by your caregivers, it gets much easier to manage.

15 minutes passed quick and it was time to go get him.

And, because we have amazing support from our church family, there was a little welcoming party waiting for him outside the room!

The sign says, “Congratulations Mr. Clay” because it was made by the our kids Sunday School class at church. Imagine all those precious little children making that sign and praying for Clay. They are watching God do great miracles and it is inspiring their faith. Praise God.

It’s hard to put into words just how this picture makes me feel. I’ll just let you look at it and imagine how full our cup really is.

Below in the top row (and from the video) is Mike, one of the several nurses that took care of Clay the entire time. He was so cool. Always talking to us and the kids. Loving on us constantly. Making us feel special. I wish Deaton, Sarah and Liz Anne could have been there, too, to be in the pics today. We love you, all. And, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being so wonderful. On the second row of pics below, and all the way to the right, is Jewel. She worked in the office and took care of our insurance. She is very special. Look at that sweet smile!

This is the victory picture, right here…

It does really amaze me to see this and remember how much anxiety Clay had in the beginning regarding this mask. We laugh about the Xanex story all the time. (If you didn’t read that blog, you should go back and read it because it’s funny, but it’s also a really great thing that God taught us.) God gave Clay the strength to overcome that fear, and he grew to be totally comfortable in the mask. If we allow Him, God can turn our greatest fears into our greatest triumphs.

So, because of some really wonderful people, the day that we had dreaded for several weeks, came and went with celebration rather than tears. If we had been alone Thursday, we would have left that building feeling sad and afraid. But, we didn’t. God sent our family and friends to surround us so we would celebrate His love for us. He caused us to be reminded of Him. To keep our eyes on Him. Not the storm. Not the walls of water on either side. Him. Keep our eyes on Him. Because He is a good father. It’s who He is.

My favorite place in the entire world is the beach. God knows this. So, He provided a way for us to spend a few days at the beach before school starts. He used a very dear friend to bless us by offering a condo for the weekend. We didn’t have to think about it long! We said, YES! and jumped in the car.

It doesn’t get much better than this. I love these people.

So, before you leave, I have to just tell you a quick thing God showed me yesterday. He is so magnificent. Once we got settled at the condo, Clay laid down to sleep for a while and Ben was bouncing off the walls. So, Ben and I walked down to the beach. It had been overcast and rainy, but the sky was clear, so we went down. Ben was in the water and I was just sitting on the sand watching him and thanking God for letting me be in that moment. The sound of the waves can be an amazing stress reliever.

I’m kind of day dreaming, and suddenly I realize that there is a very dark storm approaching.

It’s hard to capture this with a camera, but I want you to see how there is sunshine to the far right and the storm was like a perfect line. There was such a clear distinction between the pleasant sky on the right and this dark storm on the left. It was a sudden change. When I looked to the left, all I could see for miles was dark clouds. I just knew we would have to go inside. Ben was skim boarding and having such a good time that I was planning to wait to the last second to make him go inside.

But the closer the storm got, the more I thought we might be able to just wait it out. So I stayed there. I was still. The wind really started to pick up. I was freezing. But, I just sat in my chair and leaned into the wind a little. It blew hard. It was uncomfortable, but I was able to stand it. Ben acted like nothing was happening. He just continued to play right in front of me. So, the wind blew. The waves were huge. The dark clouds surrounded us. The storm looked like it would last for hours. But we just waited.

And suddenly, the sky lightened up.

The storm moved past us. The wind calmed down. The air warmed up. The waves settled. And the sky was light again. And, once again, I was at peace. Listening to the sound of the waves, watching my happy little boy and resting in the peace.

Who can control the wind and the waves? I know who can. And yesterday afternoon, He spoke to me through the wind and waves. I felt like I was on an island. Like it was just me, God and Ben. I felt like God was literally visible. Like He was up there in that cloud so I could see Him. He was speaking so clearly.

When I looked up and suddenly saw that huge, dark cloud, with such a defined beginning, all I could think of was the day we were in Dr. Bruce’s office and he said, “Clay, you have significant abnormalities in your CT Scan.” What? Talk about a sudden storm. Everything changed in that moment. Our storm had a very defined edge. We went from sunny, beautiful weather, to an instant dark cloud.

Then, as the storm got closer, and I just sat there, I felt the Lord reminding me of how He has caused us to be still. We have been still this entire time. We have just waited on God to direct our steps and He has. The storm is not comfortable. The wind is cold and the waves are enormous. I would so much rather be sitting on a beach with perfect skies and a very light, warm breeze. But, God is helping us to endure this storm. We are leaning into the wind, but we are not getting blown away. In fact, we are not even getting rained on.

God was telling me that the storm will pass. As the sky cleared and the wind calmed, I could hear His voice saying, “The storm will pass.”

I was struck by the fact that Ben just played at the edge of the water the entire time. He was not affected by the storm. He didn’t even really notice it. I’m sitting there with tears running down my cheeks and he is just as happy as he can be. He has no idea that we could have been in danger from the storm, or that his day may have been interrupted by lightening. He just played and was content.

That was the Lord’s way of reassuring me that my kids are going to weather this storm with me. No matter what is ahead. No matter what the sunshine brings. They are going to weather this storm with me. They are not going to be adversely affected. I believe that.

After the storm passed, Clay, Sam and Grace joined us. We sat for a while and just talked and played. I watched my little family and thanked God for how He is with me in such a tangible way right now. I thanked Him for speaking to me in every moment. I thanked Him for making that storm today just to show me that OUR storm will pass. He moved the heavens for me today. And, look at this beautiful sight…..

That beautiful sky is exactly where that dark cloud was, just a short time before this picture was taken. Look at Clay’s scar – a constant reminder of what the Lord has done. We stood together and saw the sun shine again. I’m praying that Clay will be with me when this storm passes and our sun shines, again. I’m praying that we will be standing together to see it.

But, my trust is in a God who moves the clouds and the waves just for me.

So, I know He will be there. And I trust Him. Amen.

 

Psalm 36:7-11

How precious is thy lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge under the shadow of thy wings.
They shall be abundantly satisfied with the fatness of thy house; And thou wilt make them drink of the river of thy pleasures.
For with thee is the fountain of life:In thy light shall we see light.
Oh continue thy lovingkindness unto them that know thee, And thy righteousness to the upright in heart.
Let not the foot of pride come against me, And let not the hand of the wicked drive me away.

I have been so excited to write this post. I just feel like I could burst wide open because I’m so excited about the things God is doing to constantly remind us that He loves us. There is just so much hope in knowing that our God is loving and He is kind. He wants us to drink of the river of his pleasures and be abundantly satisfied.

I always thought that meant a life of pleasure, as we would see it. You know…wealth, health, happiness, contentment, etc. No. That’s not what it means. Verse 7 says that these are people who are taking refuge under His wing, so they are in some kind of need, right? I mean, do you take refuge when you are in a peaceful situation? No. We take refuge when we are hurting, scared, or in need.

So, when we take refuge under His wing, then we will be abundantly satisfied and drink from the river of pleasures. What? How can that be? How can a person in need, or in tribulation, or in a fiery trial, have abundant pleasures? I’m here to tell you that it is possible…IF…if you can “see the light”. If you let God open your eyes to see the miracles He is doing all around you in your time of need. If you look. Just look around and SEE all the things He is doing on your behalf as you just tuck yourself away under the shadow of His wing.

There are so many stories I could tell you about the past few months that would leave you speechless at what God has done, but there are 3 from the past few days that you just have to hear.

KESLEIGH DEAN

This past Friday morning, Clay had just gotten out of the shower and he was sitting on the floor trying to decide if he would actually get dressed. He’s a little slow right now because he’s so tired all the time. And, he’s very nostalgic, so he thinks about people a lot. He looks up at me and says, “I know this is random, but I want to tell you while it is on my mind. I really want to see Kim Dean, Kesleigh Dean and Angie Johnson.” These are three friends that Clay grew up with in church for many years. They were literally in nursery together as babies. They go way back.

Kim lives in Baton Rouge. Kesleigh lives in Waco, TX. Angie lives in Dallas, TX.

So, you can imagine, I’m standing there thinking, “How in the world am I going to make that happen???” I planned to write them on Facebook and try to coordinate something, but we got busy and I didn’t do anything.

The next morning, I had to leave the house a lot earlier than usual to go pick up our daughter at an event. I am not a morning person, so I didn’t want to go. I had even tried to guilt my 17 year old into going for me. And, he would have if I would have really asked him. I was sitting in my room, reading my Bible at about 8:45, and I just felt like I needed to get up and go myself. I got dressed and got in the car. I backed out of the driveway and noticed a girl running on my street.

Now, how many times do you see runners in your neighborhood?

How many times do you just ignore runners in your neighborhood?

Well, for some reason, I thought to myself, “I wonder who that is?” So, when I passed her, I turned around to look at her face.

Are you sitting down???

It was Kesleigh Dean….from Waco, TX!

I have not met Kesleigh in person before. I have only seen her pictures on Facebook. Several years ago, Kesleigh’s son, Clayton, battled cancer. Clay and I followed her blog and prayed for them constantly. He won his battle and is a vibrant, precious boy. So, Kesleigh has reached out to me several times to encourage me and she has been praying for our family.

Anyway, here we are. On Chaparral Place. At 9:15 am. Kesleigh is jogging, so she’s hot and sweaty and her hair is pulled back (although she still looked really beautiful) and I’ve never seen her in person. But, I knew immediately that it was her. So I slammed on my brakes in the middle of the street. She comes running around to my window and I’m already crying. (She’s probably thinking I’m a complete nut.)

I’m starring at her like she’s a ghost and I say, “Kesleigh??!!” Yep. It’s Kesleigh Dean. All the way from Waco, TX. And she is running on my street, at the exact time that I’m leaving, when I didn’t even want to be there, and I just happen to look at her face. What?? I’m speechless.

Of course, she had time to come see Clay, because God picked her up from Waco and put her on Chaparral Place, all because Clay  had a desire in his heart to see her. Isn’t that so sweet? God is so sweet.  The Dean’s came that night and we all visited, laughed, prayed and loved on Clay. Angie didn’t make it, but I know God will make a way for Clay to see her, too, because that’s just how things have been working around here.

 

JESUS  HEALS A BLIND MAN

That same afternoon, our dear friends, Robin and Caleb Scherer, came to bring us lunch. Caleb is a really close friend to Clay and he has been very attentive to Clay’s spiritual needs. In a recent visit, we were talking about how Clay’s vision is impaired and he has trouble reading. Reading the Bible has been especially hard because it is so small.

So, Caleb buys Clay a large print Bible. It’s huge and heavy, but the words are big and he can see them better. When Robin and Caleb left the house, Clay, Grace and I were sitting in the kitchen talking. Grace says, “Dad, get your Bible and read me something. Let’s see if you can read it good.”

Clay picks up the Bible. There are 1900 pages. He puts it on his lap and randomly opens the Bible. He points to a random verse on the random page and starts to read it. Are you ready? Here is is….

Of all the verses in the Bible that he could have opened to, he turns to a verse that says his name twice and is the story of Jesus healing a blind man. (His finger is covering it, but it says, “He spat on the ground and made clay of the spittle…”)

Clay looked up at Grace with tears already in his eyes, then he looked at me in amazement, then he just looked back at the Bible and kept reading. We were all very quiet for a minute. God is so sweet. He is just so sweet.

Because Caleb was faithful to listen to the Holy Spirit and get Clay the gift, God spoke to Clay in that moment. Be sure to listen to the voice of God in your everyday life. Don’t miss an opportunity to do something He is telling you. You will never know how He can use the smallest gesture to make a huge impact. We will never forget that moment.

JAMES EARL JONES

When Caleb gave Clay the Bible, we were also discussing the idea of listening to the Bible on CD or podcast. A few days before, I had searched for a free podcast and played it for Clay. It was a woman’s voice and he didn’t like it. Right away, he said, “The only way I could listen to the Bible like that would be if James Earl Jones or someone like that did the narration.” I was thinking to myself that it is very unlikely that James Earl Jones ever narrated the Bible for a recording.

Well, Caleb had already looked at that and told us that there was, in fact, a James Earl Jones narrated Bible available. So, I logged that away in my “Save This For Later” file and thought that maybe eventually I would try to get that for him.

Fast forward to today. I’m at senior orientation with Sam, and I see one of our good friends, Kenny Kepper. Kenny has been so good to us. He’s prayed and visited several times. I’m telling him the two stories above, just trying to encourage him and give God glory for all the things He is doing in our life. (Now, I did NOT tell him about the James Earl Jones conversation. I wasn’t even thinking about that. I just told him the testimony about the Bible and the verse in John.)

I finish the story and Kenny says, “Don’t leave. I have something I want to give you for Clay.” I can’t even type it. You just have to look at the picture.

Y’all. I can’t make this stuff up. It’s real. I promise. Kenny is a pastor, so he can’t lie. 😉 When you see him, ask him if this is true. I just closed my eyes and turned away when he handed it to me. I couldn’t say anything for a minute. He was thinking I was crazy. Then I told him what Clay had said, and we all just smiled and thanked God for His goodness. For His lovingkindness.

Let that word really sink in to your mind. LOVINGKINDNESS. His love for us is so strong and He shows it through kindness toward us. These might seem like small things to someone, but to me and my family, these are huge miracles that God has done. He works so hard to show us that He has not left us. While we are in tragedy, He is here in our midst. He didn’t leave. We don’t have to be afraid. He isn’t punishing us. He is using our lives to show the world His love and kindness and greatness. He is faithful and good.

And, just think about the blessing that The Dean Family, Caleb and Kenny got out of this. God used them to deliver a miracle to us. How cool is that. They get to take part in the blessing that God is pouring out. They get to experience our “river of pleasures.”

Oh! I have to tell you one more. Yesterday, we went to lunch after church. We were just talking at the table and the waitress came over to give us a $50 gift card to pay for our lunch. She said, “I’m not at liberty to say who sent this to you, but another guest wanted to buy your lunch.”

We both just looked at each other in amazement and asked her to please thank them. Then, Caleb said, “Well, that’s a great opportunity for us to bless the food and just thank God for all that He’s doing.” So, that’s what we did. We just held hands right there and prayed and thanked God.

Whoever you are, thank you. I hope so much that you are reading the blog so that I can say thank you, but if you are not, God saw what you did and He will reward you in such a greater way than I ever could. He will bless you for your kindness and for allowing your life to be used to bless our family. Thank you.

Y’all, I have 100 of these stories. Maybe I’ll write a book so you can hear each one and be able to see how God has moved so many mountains already. Maybe James Earl Jones can narrate it for the CD version! Ha!

I wanted to tell you these few stories today because I’m praying that your hearts are encouraged and that you close this blog post with a huge smile on your face. God is good. He is loving. He is faithful. His Word is true. He has not left you. No matter where you are right now, or how difficult your circumstance, God has not left.

He can see in the dark!

He sees you. He loves you. He is with you.

And, He is showing you His lovingkindness. If you can’t see it, ask Him to open your eyes.

Hide yourself under the shadow of His wing, and He will give you abundant pleasures. I know. It doesn’t make sense. But, it is true. You can walk through the darkest valley of your life with peace in your heart, and joy on your face. You can.

Love Him today. Read His Word and let Him speak to you. Hide yourself under His wing. Rejoice in the things He has done and will do. Look for the “little” things He is doing. And, listen to Him when He impresses you to do something for others.

Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! He is so good.

Psalm 57: 7-11

“My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed:
I will sing and give praise.
Awake up, my glory; awake, psaltery and harp:
I myself will awake early.
I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people:
I will sing unto thee among the nations.
For thy mercy is great unto the heavens,
and thy truth unto the clouds.
Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens:
let thy glory be above all the earth.”

My world has revolved around these two faces for the past week.  Check out this view of my bedroom…

Grace had her wisdom teeth and 2 molars removed. When the Orthodontist told me we would need to remove them, the first thought was to wait until we are done with treatment, but we couldn’t because of school. So, they got to be sick together. I’ll admit that I didn’t expect this to be difficult, but by Saturday, I was exhausted. Thankfully, the hard part is past us and she is much better now. She got treated like a queen for several days. I think Clay got jealous. Ha!

Our church family, and other friends, have continued to provide meals for us. I was trying to explain to a friend just how much that has helped me, and I ended up in tears. I drove past our local grocery store the other day and I saw a lady putting groceries in her trunk, and I realized that I haven’t done that since before May 2. I love to cook, but I HATE to grocery shop. I had trained Clay and Grace to do it for me and we had a pretty good system going. Anyway, it amazes me when I think of how long our dear friends have been taking care of us and how much of a burden it has removed from my life. Of course, it has saved us thousands of dollars, but more importantly, it has relieved me from worry and effort that I don’t have room for right now. Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed to us in this way. I love you for it. I do.

Meet Clay’s Middle School Math Teacher, who he has not seen in 30 years – Ms. Loudon. She is the sister of one of our friend’s mom and when Clay got diagnosed and she heard them talking about him, she remembered that she taught him when he was a little bitty sixth grader! She called me and told me how she doesn’t remember every student, but there are a few who really stand out in her memory from 34 years of teaching. Clay was one of those few. She remembered his “cute little” face and his sweet personality. Of course, he remembered her, and he told her how nice she was to him as a little, scared, intimidated Middle Schooler. God has allowed Clay many precious moments over the past few months. It is a gift.

If Clay ever tells you a sob story about how I never let him have sugar, please show him this picture. This is Ben and Clay after they’ve both eaten 2 pudding cups. Clay wanted something sweet and we had pudding for Grace because she can’t eat, yet. When Ben said, “Hey, Dad! You want some pudding?” Clay said, “YEAH! Bring me 2!” 10 minutes later, Clay said, “Next time I say I want 2 puddings, tell me no….” I don’t think there’s anything else to say about that.

These three girls have been my friends since I was Ben’s age. That’s a long time to be friends with someone. And, although we don’t spend a great amount of time together, I know they love me and it is obvious that they are burdened for my family right now. They have been praying and interceding for us since Clay was diagnosed. And, I know how hard they’ve prayed because they prayed over us while they were here and the prayers were beautiful.

I have learned the power of the body of Christ. We are all vessels that represent Jesus to each other and to the world. When one of our members is hurting, we are a visible, tangible representative of Jesus to that person. I can promise you that without the love of the body of Christ around me, I would be in devastation right now. I had been having a really difficult few days before this visit, and I needed to be encouraged. When they left the house that night, I realized that my cheeks hurt from laughing and I was smiling just thinking about some of the things we talked about. My spirit was lifted and it felt so good.

The night turned into an impromptu reunion when one of our Middle School teachers and, more importantly, Volleyball Coach, Jane Smith, came to bring me dinner. Everyone stayed and we all ate together. My parents were here, and they were very close to all my friends when I was younger, so everyone enjoyed seeing them, too. It was great! We laughed so hard about old memories and fun times we had when we were younger. They told a few stories about me that I absolutely don’t think are true! But, they were funny.  This was a night that I will remember. I love you, all, very much!

Yesterday was Clay’s 24th treatment, and he has 30 planned. So, our last day will be next Thursday, August 4th. You probably assume that this is something to celebrate, but for me, it will be a very difficult day. I am trusting in the Lord, and if you could really get inside my head and my heart right now, you would see that my hope is very sure. Neither of us are afraid or scared. We are confident in God’s plan and His ability.

But, as the end of treatment approaches, I’m beginning to realize that I’ve been comforted by the treatment. There is a feeling of safety in knowing that the tumor is being radiated, which must mean that it is not growing, right? When the treatment stops, I can already see that it will be harder to fight fear because everyone has told us that it will start to grow again. When? No one knows.

Yesterday the team at Dr. Russell’s office told me that there was a change in treatment for the last 7 doses. This was the first time I had heard this, so I asked a few questions. When I went back to the waiting room to wait for Clay, I felt this really  lonely feeling. The room was empty, when it is normally filled with our friends who have been with us the entire time. I was by myself with a bunch of questions going through my mind.

I sat down and just started to pray. I took some deep breaths to stop the tears and just closed my eyes to pray. Just then, one of the Technicians came to get me. She said, “Chris wants to show you the changes in the treatment plan so you understand.”

God has become so sweet to me. That’s the best word I can use right now to describe Him. He constantly shows me that He hears every single thought – even the thoughts that don’t really turn into prayers. I’ve always had a need to understand things and God knows this about me. So, He put it on Chris’ heart to explain it to me.

He told me that the first 23 treatments are treating a larger area where the tumor was before surgery and where they assume the tumor left the little “seeds” that I’ve told you about before. The last 7 treatments are sending a stronger dose of radiation to the smaller area where they know tumor remained after surgery. So, the next 7 days are really hitting the remaining cancer hard.

The entire team of people in that office are completely wonderful. So, when I cried while Chris was explaining something very simple to me, they just handed me Kleenex and stood beside me in the most compassionate and supportive way. He pulled up the scan of Clay’s treatment plan, and all I could think was,

“That is my husband’s head. That is my husband’s head. He has a brain tumor. MY husband’s head is on the screen…..”

Sometimes, it just hits me. Hard. It’s still hard to fathom.

Our situation makes me think of the Red Sea crossing. I imagine that as the Israelites were walking across the Red Sea and those towering walls of water rose up on both sides of them, they were probably filled with amazement and wonder. They were probably filled with joy and excitement at what God was doing.

But, every now and then, they must have glanced over at the millions of pounds of water, shooting up into the air, and the reality of the situation must have hit them hard. “We are walking on dry land, across the Red Sea, and at any minute this water could fall and crush us.” But they didn’t have a choice, did they? An army was chasing them, so they couldn’t turn around. They had to just believe God. They had to trust Him and walk on.

I’ve always imagined the walk across the Red Sea to be a joyful celebration, filled with singing and dancing and laughing.

But, now, my perspective is changed and I imagine that moment  differently.

I think it is more likely that they were rushing across as fast as they could possible go. They were probably filled with hope and excitement, but don’t you think they were scared, too? It was night and they were in a very dangerous situation. While God was showing them just how powerful He is, I bet they were really ready to get on dry land that was not surrounded by walls of water.

I imagine that they wanted that miracle experience to end as soon as possible.

And, it did.

It ended.

They made it to the other side.

Morning came. And, as they stood on that dry ground, they turned to watch as God completely destroyed their enemy.

Their enemy pursued them….all they way to his death.

I’m sure Pharaoh was laughing to himself and beating his chest in pride at the strength of his chariots and horses. He was probably telling himself that the people were wasting time running from him because he would surely catch them and kill them. Even as he charged ahead into THEIR miracle, he was filled with pride.

I wonder when it hit him that he was trapped in the power of God?

I wonder when he realized that his pride had led him right into the hand of God?

As the water crashed down on him and all his glory, the Israelites stood in a safe place and watched God utterly destroy their enemy.

If you’ve ever wondered why the Old Testament is important, I hope you can see the answer in this story. These stories in the Old Testament give us hope and they show us the character of God. They prove the power of God and the desires of God for us, His people. He loves us and He will stop at nothing to prove His greatness. He wins every time. Why can’t the enemy see this? I don’t know. Maybe he just doesn’t want to accept his defeat, but he is defeated.

Do you hear me, Satan??? You are defeated.

Do you hear me, Cancer????? You are defeated.

As Clay and I walk across our Red Sea, there are times when I notice the walls of water. There are times when the roar of the water is so loud in my ears. There are times when I want to panic at the thought that those walls could crush us at any moment.

But, then, I turn and see my arrogant, stupid enemy. I see him rushing into the middle of OUR miracle and I am filled with excitement to finish this crossing.

Because I know that morning will come!

And I will stand on a hill…just in time to watch the waves crash down on my enemy. God will utterly destroy him and he will be washed away in the current of God’s power.

We win.

God wins.

And, we get to stand with Him and watch as His power is displayed and His glory is revealed. Amen.

 

 

 

Yesterday was Clay’s 18th treatment, and the date was July 18. That means that all week, the number of his treatment will correspond to the date. I thought that was kind of cool. Friday will be #22, and we only have 30. As of now, his last day should be August 4. Praise God it has really gone by fast, and without many complications. He is tired, a little nauseated and his head is getting sunburned. His vision is still not good, but it is not worse. We spend a lot of time thanking God for letting Clay remain seemingly healthy during this time. His side effects are so mild that he functions pretty normally and we still have a lot of good times with friends and family.

We have had several good visits over the past week and a half. Our friend, Charlie Hubert, visited from Nashville. We haven’t seen Charlie in years, so it was great to catch up. Charlie is the one who sent us all the great music that we listened to on our drive to Houston. Thanks, Charlie!

Just days later, we had another visitor from Nashville…Clay’s cousin, Joanna, and his aunt, Sue Janet. The whole family came. Donnie drove from Hammond and Jessica and Jennifer came from Shreveport. It was such a sweet time. As I’ve mentioned before, we always say that we are going to visit each other and most of the time we don’t…until something like this happens. We have been so touched by all the visits and by people stopping to take time to come see us. It has meant more than we will ever be able to express.

Clay has two brothers, so he never had a real sister. But, he always told me that Joanna was his little sister. Jo, he loves you so much. He has always told me how special your relationship is.

In between the visits, we have had a lot of good family time lately. The kids have been home and our life is slowing down because Clay doesn’t feel good. So, we spend a lot of time here at the house and that’s a good thing. I love this picture of Ben and Clay. Ben needed to tell Clay about something that happened, and Clay was laying down on the couch, so he just climbed in between Clay and the sofa so he could tell him his story. Clay just smiled and talked to him. It was precious.

We’ve had a few good family game nights filled with laughter. Clay’s mind doesn’t work as fast as it used to, and, if you know him at all, you know that he is one of the single most competitive people that has ever lived. So, we’ve laughed a lot because he hasn’t been winning the family games quite as much. Now, please understand, Clay is the one who starts the jokes. He has a really great sense of humor right now, which is one of the things I love about him the most. He wants to win so bad, but when he realizes it is not going to happen, he starts making fun of himself. I thought he was getting frustrated at one point because he looked down, but then he busted out laughing, and said, “I hope y’all are taking full advantage of this opportunity to finally beat me fair and square!” And, he absolutely refused the pity I was trying to give him by changing the rules for his sake. So, we just played and laughed. And, he provided a really great example to our kids of how to handle difficult moments. Thank you, Jesus, for the strength you have given him.

My favorite thing that has happened since I last wrote was this past Friday night when about 40 young people from our church came to our house for a special night of worship and teaching. We have a group of young adults from our church that started a group called “Anthem” and they host worship services at our church about once a month. The services have been so anointed. Well, they came to our house and led our youth in worship. It was another opportunity for God’s praises to be sung in our home. It reminded me of the day that our church gathered in our home to pray for our family. There is nothing more peaceful and wonderful than listening to many voices singing to Jesus in your home. The presence of God was so strong.

Now, push play on this song while you read the rest of this blog.

The theme song for the night was “Jesus We Love You.” As we were preparing and asking the Lord what He would say to the youth of our church that night, we felt in our hearts that He is asking each of us, “Do you love me? Really love me?” Clay spoke from his heart about things the Lord has shown him as he looks death in the face.  The fact that God has given him a steady peace is no accident. It is supernatural. But, the peace is there because Clay knows the Lord and he loves Him. He loves Him. And, yes, God has worked in his life since the diagnosis and God has shown him things that weren’t right and things that could change, but he started this test with the most important thing….love for Jesus and faith in Him.

He talked about how his house was built on the rock. He didn’t go find the rock after he got diagnosed. He was already on the rock when the storm came. And hell really concocted a good one for us….it is a big storm! It is beating against this house with 100 mile an hour winds. But, this house is not moved. And it won’t be moved. Because it is built on the firm foundation of faith in Jesus and a deep, life long love for Him.

If you’ve tried to imagine finding yourself in Clay’s shoes, or in my shoes, or in our kids’ shoes….and you’ve asked yourself how you would respond….I encourage you to ask the Lord to search your heart and reveal the truth to you.

What or who is on the throne of your heart?

Do you love God more than yourself?

Do you love God more than this world?

Is your life built on a firm foundation? Or is it built on sand?

Romans 5:5 says, “And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”

If you find that you are not sure if you love God the way you should, ask Him to shed abroad the love of God in your heart. Tell Him the truth. Just tell Him what He already knows. Ask Him to renew your love for Him, or place inside of you that deep love that you may not have known before. The Bible says that He gives it to us. So, ask Him.

In 2 Thessalonians 3, Paul is telling the church that God can direct their hearts into the love of God.

“And the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God, and into the patient waiting for Christ.”

He is telling them that it is all up to God. Not us. If the plan of salvation depended on us to do something right, it would surely fail. But, it doesn’t. It all depends on God, so it can not fail. He does the work. He sheds abroad His love in our hearts and He directs our hearts to love Him. All we have to do is surrender. Just tell Him that’s what you want. And He does it.

This morning, when I woke up, I decided to use one of the bath bombs my mom gave me. I brewed my coffee and laid in my tub for a while. As I was looking up and out of the window above my tub, the Lord spoke to me. The picture above was my view. Because of the angle I was at, and the curtain that keeps my neighbors from seeing me, I could only see this little bit of the tree in my front yard, and the beautiful sky above it. I was thinking about how beautiful it was, but I could only see a small portion of it.

This is how we see Heaven and the Spiritual world. We have the Word of God, the Holy Spirit and our experiences with the Lord that reveal small glimpses of all that awaits us, but our eyes are veiled and we can not see it all. The Bible only gives us enough information about Heaven to make us desire it more than this life, but there is still so much we don’t know, or we can not see.

But, soon, we will see it. The veil will be removed and we will see it all. Everything will be clear and it will all make sense.

We will see the full view of what God has prepared for us. The full view of His plans and purposes. It will all be so clear. And we will wonder why we ever loved anything in this world. We will realize how silly we were to hold on to this life. Our faith will end in sight when we see Him. And the love that we know will be so much stronger and so much deeper when everything else fades away and there is nothing but Jesus.

This hope is what is sustaining us during this storm of life. We believe and we continue in our faith because we know what is waiting for us when this life ends. We have no other choice than to trust God fully and believe that His plan is better than our plan. He is good. No matter what we think or feel or see today, He is good.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me if I vent, or if I take time for myself, or if I have a place that I can go and just explode. It is a sweet thought and I appreciate it so much. But, I’m being honest when I tell you that I am ok. Of course, there are times when we cry. There are moments of sadness. But, there are many more moments when we are overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I am constantly amazed at how “light” the yoke is and how “easy” the burden is. The Word promises that and it is true. God has filled us with the peace that surpasses understanding. He is good.

Thank you for your love and your continued prayers and support. Your prayers are what is enabling us to stand. Paul always asks the church to pray for him as he does the Lord’s work, so I believe in the power of your prayers for us and I thank you for them. My prayers often start with, “Thank you, God, for all the people you’ve added to our lives and the way you’ve burdened their hearts to pray for us.” So, thank you. We love you and pray that God will continue to bless you for your faithfulness. We pray, often, that our lives will continue to bring glory to God and that many will be impacted by the work He is doing.

This morning, I am sitting in my office, drinking my coffee and trying to read a little news. I click on these articles about racial tension, the race for the presidency, sex trafficking, religious freedoms, and more. I see comments and conversations that display such hate and division…even among friends and family.

Then, I sit back and think about our situation. I look at my husband and wonder how much longer he will be on this earth with us. I look at my kids and I think about what is ahead of them over the coming months.

And, all I can think is that we don’t have time for all this division. Because of our situation, my perspective is so different. And, I wonder if it is possible to have this same perspective without the heartache.

I have prayed for years for God’s will to be done in our lives and in our family. I have begged Him to draw me closer and give me a heavenly perspective as I live this life. And, as I studied the Word, it seemed that most great men and women of God walked through terrible heartache before they really achieved that closeness with God. Jesus endured the most suffering, as our example.

So, I would pray, “God, bring me close. I’m willing to walk through anything you decide is necessary in order to achieve that closeness. But, I am asking you to spare me heartache and pain, if possible. If I don’t have to walk through Gethsemane in order to really know You, then I don’t want to. Teach me to know You without the trials. But, I’ll walk through the trials if that is required.”

I’m beginning to think that it is required. The trials are a necessary process for God to strip away the sin and filth in us. We are wretched people. We are fickle. We are selfish. We are lazy. We are ignorant. We are ungrateful.

So, tragedy strikes (in so many different ways) and we suddenly come to a place where God is literally our only hope, and everything changes. It really changes. It’s not just a simple prayer on a Sunday morning that says, “God, make me love you more.” It suddenly becomes a desperate plea for God to change you and save you and cleanse you and fill you. And, He does. Because He loves us. He does it.

Even though we are wretched and we don’t deserve anything He gives, He does it. And, when He does, our view of life and this world is completely changed.

Now, when I turn on the news, my heart is filled with compassion and sadness. The answer to every problem we see in our world right now is Jesus. He is the answer.

He is the answer to terrorism.

He is the answer to pornography that leads to sex trafficking.

He is the answer to racism that leads to violence and hate.

He is the answer to governments trying to take away religious freedoms.

He is the answer to our political crisis and the lack of leadership in our country and world.

Jesus is the answer. And, Jesus is LOVE. He is love. Not hate. If Jesus was here in Baton Rouge right now, I can assure you, he would not be spewing words of hate and disgust. He would be loving people. And that love would change the situation.

I was watching a live news feed of the cops trying to control a protest on a major highway in Baton Rouge last night. The cops were standing in a line, faces very solemn, only about a foot away from the protesters. The protesters were yelling in their faces. They were slandering them. They were screaming at them when they were just inches away from them. The cops were in full uniform and it was probably 97 degrees. The cops never said a word. They just stood there to keep peace and order.

Forget about which side you are on. And just think about how Jesus did the same thing for us. When He was hanging on that cross, or being tried by Pilot, people were right there screaming slander at Him. Yelling His name and calling for His death. People who saw the miracles He performed and the merciful things He did on the earth. Now, I am not in any way comparing those policemen to Jesus. I’m just telling you that when I was watching that unfold last night, it made me think of how the mob treated Jesus. And how He just stood there quietly. Never defending Himself. Never making excuses. Never yelling back when He had every right to do it.

Jesus came from Heaven to earth to solve all these problems for us. He came to put an end to these divisions. And He lives in His church today. If we know Him and surrender our lives to Him, He can use us to perform even greater miracles than He performed.

These problems that are filling our minds and our conversation, are a distraction. Satan wants nothing more than to see all of us completely distracted and consumed by this world.

Luke 21:34-36,

“Heaven and earth shall pass away:but my words shall not pass away.
And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting, and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares. For as a snare shall it come on all them that dwell on the face of the whole earth. Watch ye therefore, and pray always, that ye may be accounted worthy to escape all these things that shall come to pass, and to stand before the Son of man.”

Read that twice. The cares of this life can distract us from watching for the end of this earth to come. They distract us from Jesus. They distract us from preparing ourselves to see Jesus. They distract us from the things that really matter.

That day shall come as a snare to those who DWELL on the face of the earth. This word really jumps out at me. DWELL.

Where do you dwell?

Do you dwell here on earth or does your heart dwell in heaven?

If we allow these circumstances in our world to overtake our thoughts, we will find ourselves wrapped up in the cares of this life and our hearts will begin to dwell here on the earth. We must focus on Jesus. We must keep our eyes on Heaven. We must live with a heavenly perspective so that our hearts long to be in Heaven with Jesus and our motivation here on earth is centered around our love for Him.

If we really live with one foot in Heaven and one foot on earth, how would our thoughts, words and actions change? How would we feel toward people who are hurting and protesting and protecting? How would we change?

Clay did not feel good yesterday. It was really the worst he has felt so far. I encouraged him to lay down for a nap while I was trying to do some things around the house. When I walked him upstairs, he just held my hand and asked me to stay with him. There were 1,000 things I needed to do in that moment, and, at first, I was hesitant. But, then I realized how ridiculous it would have been to do laundry rather than stay with him and provide a comfort he needed. So, I stayed. We laid there together for a while and I thought a lot about what it would be like if he wasn’t there. But, then the Holy Spirit comforted me by bringing my thoughts to Jesus.

The way Clay desired to be with me and be close to me, is an example of how Jesus longs to be with me. When the cares of this life are distracting me and calling me, Jesus is there just asking me to stop what I’m doing and stay with Him for a while. And, so many times, I choose to do laundry, rather than stay with Him. Imagine how much that hurts Him. When we choose the things we can see, rather than the things we can not see. Well, one day, soon, we will see. It will all make sense, and we will see how many times we allowed the distractions of this life to keep us from Him.

I pray today that we will all stay with Jesus. As He calls to us to stay and be close to Him, I pray we will choose Him over the cares of this life. I pray that we will not allow the issues of our world to distract us from Him. I pray that our hearts will dwell in Heaven with Jesus, and not here on this earth.