Clay was diagnosed on May 2 of this year, so it’s been a little over six months. In that time, he has had radiation, chemotherapy, lots of different medicine, and surgery. Yet, he has maintained a really positive attitude and he has had very limited side effects. He looks really good. He hasn’t been sick at his stomach (except for twice) so he hasn’t lost a lot of weight. In fact, he’s gained 10 pounds. He lost his hair, but that didn’t matter! We’ve watched so many others in the same situation who have suffered so much.

His main side effect has been fatigue. He tires very easily, so he needs more rest than usual. His taste buds don’t work very well, so he can only taste foods with really strong flavor. His voice is weakened and he constantly sounds like he is hoarse. It doesn’t hurt, but he sounds like he has a sore throat all the time. He has sporadic joint pain and occasional mild headaches.

We have thanked God so many times that He has made the burden light.

That changed a little when we found out this week that Clay has shingles. It started as a small bump above his left eye. The bump kept growing until Thursday am when he woke up with whelps on his forehead and a swollen eyelid. We were on our way to the Oncologist for an infusion, anyway. They gave him some antibiotics through his IV and just told us to watch it.

By 7:30 that night his eye was almost swollen shut and it was starting to hurt pretty bad. I am so thankful for the precious people God has added to our lives through our church. One of those is a dear friend who is also a dermatologist. He answered my text immediately and, after seeing a picture of it, he told me it is shingles. We started the meds that night. He also gave us pain meds that helped a lot.

Clay was pretty uncomfortable all day Friday, but every time he would talk about it, he would say, “I haven’t had to deal with anything this hard so far. I’m really blessed that I went so long without major problems.”

I would just smile at him. It is true, but I think it is a huge testimony that he can keep that perspective. You know how sometimes it is hard to see the reality of your situation when you are right in the middle of it? Well, God has enabled him to see the truth about where he is and I’m so glad. Because, it is true. In the midst of a very difficult situation, God has kept him well and has blessed him with strength.

Thank you, Lord.

And, knowing that fact, made this week a lot easier for both of us. It hasn’t been fun, but the Lord helped us through. He is still recovering today. In fact, we are watching church from home today. I love that we can do that.

So, as far as the plan, we are continuing to do what we’ve already been doing. Clay will stay on the Temodar (chemo pill) one week out of each month. He will continue to have the Avastin infusions every two weeks. We’ve been told that he will remain on these medications as long as they are working. I thought the Temodar was limited to 6 months, but the Oncologist told me he will stay on it as long as the tumor is not growing.

We have a scheduled MRI on Monday, December 5. Sometimes it feels like we live from scan to scan. But, I just do my best to take my thoughts captive and stay right here in the moment. I don’t want to spend my time worrying or living in fear of what tomorrow holds. It is so much better to live for today and enjoy what God has given us. His grace is sufficient for today. And His grace will be waiting for me when tomorrow comes.

At times, I feel like our lives revolve around doctor visits and treatment times. But, then I look back through my Photos on my phone and I realize how much we are still living this life and enjoying time with our friends and family. Here are a few highlights from the past several weeks…

 

Clay’s niece, Ali Furlow, asked him to escort her in her homecoming court for Walker High. It was so sweet. Clay’s nieces and nephews really love him and Ali wanted him to be part of this special night. She has a wonderful dad, who was excited that she asked Clay to walk in his place. So, it turned into a big family event.

And, Walker was playing Live Oak, so we got to watch Clay’s cousin’s son, Ryan Morris, play QB for Live Oak. He’s been wearing his “Pray for Clay” bracelet in every game this year. It was great to watch him play that night.

When they announced Ali and Clay, Ali asked the announcer to read James 5:16,

“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

It was a very special moment for all of us.

We saw lots of good friends, including Don from Dr. Russell’s office! Clay was especially excited to see a long-time friend, Angel Benedetti. They got to visit for a while.

Grace went to homecoming. Clay could barely stand to let her leave. She was quite beautiful. He wanted to go with her to make sure that no boys talked to her all night! Poor Grace.

We got in a car accident. Someone rear ended us on the Interstate. No one was hurt. And, guess what we were doing???

 

We had just been to Krispie Kreme donuts. This picture is not from the same night, which makes it even more funny to me. We’ve visited Plank Road wayyy too many times lately. He absolutely craves them and it is very hard for me to tell him no. It’s even harder for me not to eat them when the aroma fills up the car because they are so hot you can barely touch them. I mean, seriously, how can they be so good? It’s just wrong.

Clay’s love for these sugary delights is starting to show. He has gained 10 pounds! Now, when I gain 10 pounds, no one says a word (which I prefer, believe me.) When Clay gains 10 pounds, everyone makes a comment. It’s so funny. Several people have walked right up to him and said, “Well, you are putting on some pounds, huh?!” He just smiles and says, “It’s the Krispie Kreme!”

We always look for opportunities to enjoy family time. I’m sure that, at some point in your life, you’ve probably considered how a diagnosis like this would change you and how it would change what you do with your time. Well, we are living that out right now. And, I can promise you…it changes everything. Every moment is important to us. Every opportunity to be together or be with our kids or be with our parents or be with friends. The little things become highly valued, like Ben just wanting to lay with Clay in the bed for a few minutes.

Every moment becomes important.

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I rarely leave Clay, but Grace and I did sneak away for some girl time, recently. All the girls in my family (that live in BR) went to the Vintage Market Days craft show in Amite, LA. It was a beautiful day and we had a great time shopping and being with the girls.

Clay always enjoys visits from friends who just want to spend time with him. Caleb brought him Albasha (one of his favorites because he can taste the really strong flavors.) It’s not the best picture, but it’s a good memory for me. My dad showed up and we all visited for a while.

I continue to feel very loved by so many of you. You text me, call me, hug me, pray for me, visit me, read my blog, send me cards, and so much more. I’m amazed at how many wonderful people God has placed in my life.  Almost every time I am having a difficult moment, or I need some encouragement, my phone goes off with a text or call from someone just letting me know they love me and are praying for me. God is so sweet to always send the encouragement I need.

I love you. I love that my family is surrounded by people who love us. I pray that God will richly bless every single one of you. I pray that God is using our situation to work in your life. To keep you grounded or to bring you closer to Him. He is a wonderful Savior and Friend. I hope you draw near to Him today. Love you, Kristy.

During the last 5 years, the Lord created a friendship in my life. The very first time I met Robin Scherer, I knew immediately that we could be good friends. I call this “Kindred Spirits,” and if you watched Anne of Green Gables, you get the reference. I don’t know if Anne of Green Gables knew Jesus (smile), but when a person is walking with the Lord, this “kindred spirit” is the Holy Spirit.

The Lord really bonded our hearts together over a common challenge we were facing. He created an opportunity for Robin to speak into my life regarding an issue that she was walking through. She had no idea, at the time, that I was facing a similar struggle, but the Lord knew. As we talked over coffee, in a very crowded room, it was like we were completely alone, and a beautiful friendship was born.

I knew I needed a good friend in my life, but I had no idea what was in store and just exactly how much I would learn from her.

Robin has suffered with migraines for about 14 years. They come and go, and some  years have been worse than others. At times, she spends an entire week in bed on heavy medication because of the pain. The past year has been especially hard for her.

As He always does, the Lord has used her pain to create a powerful testimony that has touched many lives. As I’ve walked with her through the past few years, I always thought the Lord had put me here to minister to her. It wasn’t until Clay’s diagnosis that I realized just how much she has ministered to me! These are a just a few of the things she has taught me that I have literally clung to during this time:

BELIEVE THAT GOD IS A HEALER, EVEN IF HE DOESN’T HEAL YOU.

These are actually words that were spoken about Robin, not by her. A friend used these words to describe Robins faith one day, and I never forgot them. While she has struggled with pain and suffering for 14 years, she has never stopped believing that God is THE Healer. He is entirely able, regardless of what He chooses to do. 

Y’all, 14 years is a long time. That’s longer than Joseph was in prison. That’s a long time. Yet, she has never stopped believing God to heal her, and to heal others. She has prayed and believed for the healing of people around her. She has encouraged other people fighting sickness. I just thought it was so profound when I heard these words.

It’s easy to believe things to be true about God when we see them done. We believe because we see. But, blessed is he who believes when he does not see. That’s Robin. She continues to believe when she hasn’t seen God heal her.

God burdened my heart to pray for her healing. For a long time, I literally felt like it was me. Like I was beseeching God on my own behalf…that’s how hard I would pray for her. I had such a longing and an expectation in my heart for God to heal her. It was almost overwhelming, at times. I never really understood why the Lord did this. I just assumed He desired to use me in her life.

Until May 2. Then, it made sense. I immediately saw how God created a great faith inside of me and how He taught me how to pray for healing through Robin’s situation. I had never needed God’s healing so desperately, until now. I had never really needed to understand the healing power of God, until now. 

He used her life to burn these words into my heart. He literally infused them into my spirit…God IS a Healer, even if He doesn’t heal. I believe it. I do.

THIS IS THE LORD’S TESTIMONY, NOT MINE.

Moses taught us how to pray in a way that affects God. When he asked God to spare the people of Israel, he didn’t ask it for his own sake. He didn’t tell God, “But, God, I really love these people and I’ve spent so many years trying to help them and lead them. Save them because I’ve invested so much time here.”

No. He said, “God, what will people say if You destroy them? You made them Your people. You said You would protect them. You said. What will the world say about You if You kill them?”

Moses besought God for His name’s sake. And, God changed His mind. He saved the people because Moses was right. God’s name would have looked powerless if He had slain the people. 

This is how we should pray. The desire of our heart should be for God’s name to receive all the glory it can possibly receive. If He can use our life to demonstrate His glory to the world, then we should be totally surrendered to that plan. And when we go to God with our requests, we should ask Him for things that bring glory to His name.

So, that’s how I would pray for Robin. “God, please heal her for the sake of your name. Heal her so her testimony is one of healing that demonstrates the power of God that is still alive and well in the earth today.” 

She called one afternoon. She was having a really bad week. Lots of pain and in bed a lot. She told me the Lord had given her a revelation regarding this prayer. She said, “The Lord just reminded me that this is not my testimony. It is HIS testimony. I just have to submit so He can have His way.”

How many times have you told God what He should do?  Have you ever told Him what is best? Wouldn’t it be easy to assume that the very best way that God could receive glory is to heal Robin? And to heal Clay? But, be careful. He sees the future. He is writing the story. He knows what will bring His name the most glory. Not us. 

So, this is how I pray for Clay. “God, you know what is best. You care about the glory of Your name so much more than I can. Your greatest purpose is for Your name to receive glory in the earth. You want souls to be saved and You want people to see how great You are…so much more than me. So, this is Your testimony. You are responsible to tell this story. You are responsible for using our lives to show Your greatness. Do it, please. Use us. Now, it seems to me that the greatest way for the world to see your power would be for You to heal Clay. To give him life. But, I trust You with Your testimony. Help us to remain submitted to Your purpose.”

HE IS EL ROI – THE GOD WHO SEES.

Robin shares a testimony regarding a time when she was so desperate for God to speak…to heal…just to do something. He brought her to the story of Hagar and Sarai in Genesis 16. Sarah is mistreating Hagar and Hagar runs away. She is in the desert and the Angel of the Lord comes to her and speaks to her. 

He reminds her that God sees her and He has a plan for her life, even though it seems impossible right now. He sends her back to Sarai…something I’m sure she did not want to do, yet she responds like this,

“Thou God seest me” (vs. 13)

Sometimes, when we are in the desert, feeling lost and wondering why in the world God has let us get to this place, all we need to know is that He sees us. The Angel didn’t tell her the message she wanted to hear. He didn’t tell her that Sarai would no longer mistreat her. He simply told her to go back and that she would have a child. Even though she didn’t want to go back, she was comforted just by knowing that God saw her.

We have to remember this. When life seems too hard, or our situation seems so bleak, God sees. He sees us. He may not be giving us everything we think we want, but He sees us. 

When Robin shared this testimony with the ladies in our church, I remember her saying,

“He is the God who sees. It’s not what He does. It is WHO HE IS.”

That should go down in history as a famous quote by Robin Scherer. I know it has ministered deeply to me in my greatest time of need.

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I pray that these thoughts have ministered to you as much as they minister to me. This is another great example of why we need each other. God uses our friends in the body of Christ to encourage us, teach us, uphold us. He uses the testimony of other people to bring revelation into our lives. 

I encourage you to be someone’s “Robin” today. Be that friend that shares your heart and the things God has taught you. Walk alongside other people so that God can minister through you. Share your testimonies and the things God is showing you. You never know how much it might mean to someone else. 

And remember today:

• God is a Healer. He is everything His Word says He is. It is true. Count on it.
• God is building a testimony in your life. Surrender and trust Him to make it the best it can be. Don’t fight Him, or set your own expectations. Trust Him to do what He knows is best.
• He sees you today. No matter where you are. He sees you.

As a side note…another really cool thing about my friendship with Robin, is that God also created a cool relationship between her husband, Caleb, and Clay. So, we have so much fun together. God has used Caleb in Clay’s life just as much as He’s used Robin in mine. This picture is us at the London Bridge. Clay was the only one who wanted to pay a crazy amount of money and wait in a very long line to go on the tour. We took this picture as a joke because we were picking on him for making us all do something that only he wanted to do. It’s like we are saying, “It’s all about Clay!”

Now, I love this picture because Clay is surrounded by the 3 of us, joined very tightly in prayer for his life. It’s like we are saying, “We are with you, Clay.” He is loved by so many, who are standing beside him. Praise God.

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I can’t leave you without telling you how Clay is doing.

Last week, he had his 4th infusion of Avastin. This week, he has taken his 3rd round of Chemo. His blood levels are all still perfectly normal. He has gained 10 pounds and he looks perfectly healthy. His next MRI will probably be the first week of December.

On the downside, he is tired all the time. And, he is starting to have some joint pain that we think is caused by the Temodar (chemo.) But, he’s handling it so well. He’s so easy to take care of.

His hair is growing back, although I think he’ll continue to keep it shaved, since that’s what he did before treatment. The crazy thing is that the hair is coming back curly! He has these micro curls all over his head. At first I thought they were pimples, because they look like little black circles with a white center. When I tried to pop one, I realized that it was just a little circle of hair. Crazy.

He has a good appetite, I think because of the steroids he takes. And, he might be pregnant because he’s having serious cravings. You know, the first craving was Dairy Queen M&M Blizzards. Then all he wanted was Animal Crackers. Now, it is……..

Krispy Kreme! Y’all, he wants them every, single day. Oh my gosh! I can’t take it. I’m trying to space out the drives to Plank Road to at least every 3 days, but as soon as he eats the last one, he asks when we are going back! 

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. I’m still so encouraged by all of you who are reading our story and who are blessed by what God is doing. It reminds me that He sees us. He has a plan. We love you and thank you for your love and support.

 

This past Saturday morning, I came downstairs at about 7:30 and was surprised to hear voices in my kitchen. Ben had a friend spend the night and they usually stay up all night and sleep until noon. As I’m walking straight to the coffee pot, I say to them,

“Why are you up so early?”

They look at each other as if they are not sure how to answer. Finally Ben timidly says,

“Um…we need to tell you something.”

I started wondering if they had slept at all. It seemed like they had been sitting there all night just waiting for me to wake up so they could confess. They were very nervous. I could tell that this was something pretty bad.

But, I’m thinking that they spilled something on the couch. Or, tore the felt on the pool table, or broke the lamp. Nope. It was none of these. It was much worse.

They took me in the game room and when Ben turned the TV on, I was silent. I won’t go into all the details of how they told me it happened, because the only thing that matters is that they made a bad decision and our 80″ TV is ruined.

PAUSE: I know exactly what you are thinking. “Who needs an 80″ TV, anyway??!!”

If you’ve ever been to our house, you probably remember the TV because it takes up half of the game room. It is huge!! It was only purchased because of a bonus Clay got. He wanted it for sports, and it sure was a great place to watch a football game.

Ok. Back to Saturday morning. I’m standing in the middle of the room, staring at the shattered TV screen, without a drop of coffee in my body, with two little boys looking at me like they are about to melt into puddles of tears. I told them I needed a minute to think and I walked out of the room and straight to the Keurig, where my coffee was waiting for me.

Only a few minutes later, Ben came in the kitchen, very quietly. He had tears streaming down his face and he said,

“Mom, I will get a job and I will work to make money to pay for it. I promise.” (Important note: He’s 11.)

To which I replied in a pretty sweet voice, considering the circumstances,

“Ben, that’s impossible. You could never earn enough money to pay for that TV.”

Immediately. I mean, before the words even got passed my lips. The Holy Spirit spoke to me.

“You could never repay your debt, either.”

I walked to the swing in silence. As I sipped my coffee on the swing the Lord just kept talking to me about the situation. Ben and his friend came to the porch with me and we had a meaningful discussion about the consequences of our sin. I asked them some questions:

“Although what happened was an accident, did you know that what you were doing at the time was wrong?“They replied with sad faces,

“Yes, but it was so fun.”

It is the same with us when we sin. There is a conscience in us, which is the Holy Spirit, telling us that what we are doing is wrong, but we are having fun. (Read Romans 2:14-15) We are caught up in the moment and we choose to continue in our sin. But, then, something bad happens and we realize how wrong we were. So, we feel bad about it. So bad, that we lose sleep or we cry or we sit and wait in panic until God comes (to get His coffee) and we can tell Him about it. Our heart pounds and our thoughts run wild. Guilt overtakes us as we impatiently wait to see what God will say or do.

“Can you repay the damage you have done?“ They replied,

“We can work and try.” Then I told them the price, and they hung their heads and said, “No. It would take forever for us to earn that much.”

Romans 3:20 says, “For by works of the law no human being will be justified in His sight…”

Just like Ben and his friend could not repay me if I demanded it right now, we could never repay the debt of our sin. We can not be justified by works. This means that we can’t do enough good things, or earn enough, to repay the debt of sin. We have all sinned and fallen short, so all of us have been in this situation….just like Ben and his friend.

Jesus asks us, “Can you repay the debt of your sin?”

And some of us try. We work. We do good deeds. We try to live the best life we can.

But, it’s not enough. It’s not good enough.

And, really, the fact that Jesus is waiting to just forgive us and cover the debt for us, is so much better than trying to work it off. I mean, imagine being Ben, and me saying,

“Ok. You can either work for the next three years, everyday, and give me every dollar you earn. OR, I can just forgive you and pay the debt for you.”

I mean, really? Is this even a choice? But do you know how many people choose option 1 and spend their lives trying to work off the debt of sin? Going to church. Reading their Bible. Giving to the poor. Helping others. Volunteering time. Saying prayers.

All these things are good, but they don’t earn you money to repay your debt. You could never earn enough. The only way your sin can be repaid is through blood. There has to be a death. And, Jesus did that for us. He died so we would not have to die.

Romans 3:21-25, (I love the New Living Translation of these verses.)

“But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses and the prophets long ago. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.
For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood.”

Amen. Thank you, Jesus. I want that. I want to be free from my sin by just believing. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life working and wondering if it will ever be enough. I want to live in freedom knowing that my debt was already paid.

“What will you learn from this experience?” They replied,

“We will never do that again.”

I smiled and thanked God for His patience with me. How many times have I told the Lord I would not do something again?? Too many. But, every time, He is waiting to forgive me. His love never runs out. His forgiveness never dries up.

So, while I have a pretty strong feeling that Ben might get caught up having fun and do the same thing he did to break our TV, I also believe that he will remember this moment. He will always remember how he felt when he made such a bad mistake. And, I believe it taught him more about my love for him and God’s love for us all.

Now, it was time for Ben to ask me a few questions….

“How will we tell Dad? He’s going to be really upset.” To which, I replied,

“I will tell him for you, babe. I will tell him at just the right time and in just the right way. Don’t worry about it.”

This is exactly what Jesus does for us. He is our advocate. The one person who stands between God and us. When God is ready to judge us, Jesus is standing there saying, “Wait. She’s with me. I covered her sin.” And we are free from sin and able to partake in all the goodness of God. We are able to be in His presence without fear.

Romans 5:1-2; 8-9,

“Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation.”

So, I waited for just the right moment, which came a few days later. I shared with Clay how God had used this moment to teach Ben and his friend….and me….an important lesson. We talked about what happened, but in the end I told him that I prayerfully handled it how I believed God was leading me. To which Clay responded with a smile. Chapter closed. Story over. We haven’t discussed it again.

Clay never went to Ben and said, “Tell me what you did.” Or demanded that he repay the loss. Clay heard me out and agreed that the situation was handled and it was over.

It is the same with God. We come to Jesus…all broken and in a mess…and Jesus covers us with His robes of righteousness. He makes us clean. He puts us back together. When we truly believe in Him and surrender our lives, He makes us beautiful. God doesn’t come behind Him and take off the robe and look underneath. He doesn’t question us and make us repeat everything over again. He sees the beauty, and He welcomes us in to His presence. We avoid His condemnation because of Jesus.

“What will Sam and Grace say?” Ooh. I had to take a deep breath and think for a second.

Because Ben is the baby of the family, there is already some sibling tension. (I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about, right?) So, I couldn’t be sure how they would handle it. The truth is, we are all affected by Ben’s mistake. Everyone in the family used that TV at times, so we’ve all lost something.

This is a picture of the members of the Body of Christ, the Church, and how we handle each other when someone sins. Do we yell and scream at our brothers and sisters? Do we blame them and become angry toward them? Do we shun them? Do we remind them how stupid that decision was and tell them over and over again how big the price of the mistake will be?

Or, do we recognize the repentance in their heart? Do we recognize the guilt and remorse? Do we treat them like Jesus does and love them? Do we imagine how we would feel in their situation?

I told Ben that I wasn’t sure how Sam and Grace would react, but I was praying that they would react with love. I reminded him how one person’s sin usually affects many. We sometimes think that we can make decisions that will only impact ourself, but it just isn’t true. The lives of every person who is connected to us, in anyway, are impacted when we make the wrong choice.

Love others. Forgive, as Christ has forgiven you. Be patient with those in your life. Remember, they have to be patient with you, too.

“Mom, will you be able to fix the TV?” This is a good one. This is the hardest part. I replied,

“No, Ben. I feel very confident that the TV is ruined, and we will not be able to replace it. We just won’t have a TV in our game room for a while.”

There is always a consequence to our sin. Although there is forgiveness and mercy, there are still consequences. Today, Ben is forgiven. He is back in a good, healthy relationship with Clay and me. No one is mad at him, or reminding him of what he did. Our household is at peace. But, no one is watching TV in our game room.

This is why Jesus practically begs us to live our life for Him. It is one thing to believe on Jesus and be saved from your sin. It is another thing, entirely, to live for Him everyday. But, His word is filled with promises that you can claim, if you surrender your life and live for Him. If you choose to continue to run your own life, try to work your way to heaven, or live with one foot in the world and one foot in church….you are missing out.

You are burdening your life with consequences that are unnecessary and you are missing out on a life filled with joy and peace that is unexplainable.

 

I hope this ministers to you today. If you read this and the Holy Spirit is pulling on your heart, ask yourself if you’ve allowed Him to cover your sins. Have you really believed on Jesus and surrendered your life to Him. If not, read Romans. The book of Romans lays out the Plan of Salvation beautifully. Read and it and let God speak to you.

If you are trying to work your way to Heaven, read Romans 5 and I Corinthians 1:18-31. This is all about Jesus. We can’t do anything on our own because there can be no pride in us when we stand before Him. Surrender your life and let Him live through you.

If you have surrendered your life, follow His Word and ask Him to help you live free of sin. Don’t burden your life with unwanted consequences. Seek Him in every decision. Live in the Word and let His peace cover you. Trust Him with your life.

In the end, it was just a TV. So many people in our lives that have been affected by the recent flooding, have learned the lesson that material things are just things. Who cares if we have a TV in the game room? Not me. I’m thankful today for the way God uses every situation to speak to us. Make sure you are listening to Him today.

Love you! Kristy.

 

 

Cancer. I hate it. It has a way of turning your life upside down in an instant.

In one of the first prayers I prayed in the hospital on May 3, I asked the Lord to not let time go by too fast. You know how we always say to each other, “Time is flying by!” I had a deep desire to hold on to every moment and I begged the Lord to make it slow down for me.

He did. It has now been almost 6 months since Clay’s diagnosis. Remember that the doctors in BR told us that he only had about 4 months to live? Thank you, Jesus! Thank you.

I’ve always felt like God gave Clay and I a real ability to enjoy the moments and not allow time to slip by too fast. The unplanned, simple moments are my favorite.

Like sitting by the fire on our patio and watching football while the kids make S’mores. (Ok. I ate one, too. It wasn’t just the kids!)

Or, little encounters where God just puts good friends right where you are in a moment when you could use some encouragement. While we waited for Dr. Russell last week, Chris and Matt just walked in the door. They enjoyed some guy talk about Fantasy Football, which took Clay’s mind off of everything else for a while.

Or, moments when you realize how much you mean to others. That night, after we got a good report on Clay’s MRI, Clay got balloons from Grace’s friend, Jordan. We’ve known Jordan since she was born, so she’s like family to us. She was so excited to hear that Clay’s MRI went well. She came upstairs with balloons to help us celebrate. It really touched me to see how happy she was. Look at her huge smile.

Oh, and we love visits from old friends and family. The first pic is Clay with his Aunt Margie, all the way from Colorado. This was her first chance to see him since May. Her and her husband, Ted, have been a huge support and they have their church in Colorado praying for us constantly.

Do you remember my blog about Kesleigh Dean…the friend Clay wanted to see who just happened to be running down my street at the exact time I was leaving the house??!! (That story will never get old.) Anyway, in that same conversation with Clay, he had also mentioned wanting to see Angie Johnson. Here she is! Angie, her sister Natalie, and her Mom came to see us recently. It was such a sweet visit. They laughed about old times and remembered some good moments in their teenage years. Clay loved it. Look at his smile!

This is a good one….my sweet friend, Janelle, took Grace driving in her Jeep so Grace could learn to drive a standard. Janelle said she did great. Grace thinks she wants a Jeep when the time comes for a car…we’ll see.

This is a really simple thing, but one of my favorites. Grace had an appointment to have her braces removed. But, we had time before to help with carpool at Ben’s school. Grace attended there K-4 – 8th grade, so she got to see teachers and friends. She helped us open the car doors for all the kids. I love having her with me in unexpected moments.

This moment was not unplanned or simple to Grace. The moment she waited 21 months for…..she got her braces off! And, of course, she looks beautiful. Then, I took her to get her hair trimmed. This day was all about Grace, and I loved every minute of it. My precious friend and hairdresser for 12 years, did her hair. If you live in Central, you need to go see Jodi Tullier! She is wonderful.

Sam has been working for my parents for the past few months, while they rebuild their store. I captured this little moment because I always want to remember how my dad made a difference in my kids’ lives. Sam thinks he’s working, but really he’s getting paid to spend time with my dad – one of God’s greatest creations. Nail guns, nails, peg board and quality time.

This moment was a little difficult, but I will always remember how God has given us the ability to handle difficulty with a smile. We met with Billy Aaron to create wills and get his legal advice on how to best prepare in our situation. Clay and Billy played basketball together…a long time ago! It was good to see them catch up and Billy was very gracious to us. If you need a good attorney in Central, Billy Aaron is your guy!

Grace is the setter for her High School Volleyball Team. Last week, she passed 500 assists for her high school career so far. She was #1 in the state for a few weeks. I haven’t looked this week, but she’s somewhere in the top 5. So, things were a little crazy when I was trying to get the pic of them holding up 500. I should blame it on Clay, but the fact that it’s backward is my fault.

I got a sweet gift from one of my mom’s friends, Ann Fryant. She owns a gift shop in Jackson, MS, and she drove here to bring my mom some things for her store. In all the work she did to prepare for this trip, she remembered me. Isn’t that sweet? I have felt so loved by so many of you. I’ll never be able to repay it, but God will bless you all beyond measure. Thank you, Apple Annie!!!

Speaking of just a simple, unplanned pleasure…..We were on our way to treatment last Thursday. I pulled into the gas station, looked to my left and there was Clay’s dad. In his Pray for Clay shirt! He pumped my gas and got to visit with Clay for a few minutes before we went. It was just a sweet little moment that God gave us.

Since Clay started the Avastin, he has lost his taste buds. He is still on steroids, so he’s hungry and he will eat, but he can’t taste anything. For some reason, he LOVES Animal Crackers. But, we learned an important lesson. There is more than one kind of Animal Cracker in the world. And, choosing the wrong one is detrimental. After he asked me about 5 times for Animal Crackers one day last week, I said, “Get in the car.” I drove up to Wal-Mart and got him some Animal Crackers. I think I’ll always remember that moment of him opening the bag right there in the car so he could eat some while I drove.

God is good to us. He gives us simple pleasures in life that make even our most difficult times bearable. In the midst of pain and sorrow, there is light. I try to always notice when God does something really small for me. If you pay close attention today, you’ll see that He is doing small things for you, too.

So many of you have been asking how Clay is feeling. The truth is – not great. He’s very tired all the time, so he sleeps a lot. He is very sensitive to noise, so we stay home a lot. His taste buds are gone, so he has to make himself eat sometimes. His eyesight is still not good, so he can’t drive and he has trouble seeing anything at a distance. But, we are thankful that he has not been nauseated, he is not having headaches, and he is not in any pain. Every time we go to the doctor, we leave with thankful hearts because of so many others who are suffering so much more.

For now, the plan is the same. He will continue Avastin infusions every other Thursday. He will continue Temodar (chemo pill) one week out of each month. I’m not sure when our next MRI will be, yet. But, we will probably have them every 2 – 3 months. Thank God for our last good report and confirmation that the medicine seems to be working.

I’ll leave you with this thought the Lord gave me…

Sometimes when Clay is sleeping, I just want to be with him. So, I’ll lay beside him or sit in the bed and read. I was laying with him the other day and just staring at him while he slept. I was thinking about how much I love him and how I would stop whatever I was doing just to sit there with him. I miss him doing things with me and being active with us.

While I was staring at him, I felt the Holy Spirit say, “Do you love Me this much?”

Do I love Jesus more than anything? Do I love Him so much that I just want to stare at Him? Do I love Him enough to stop everything I’m doing, just to be with Him? Does He have my  heart?

It’s a really good soul-searching question. Will I put aside the things of the world to be with Him?

If we want all the benefits of what He offers, we have to love Him. Love is the root of this Christian life. It starts with a deep love for Him that enables us to turn away from the things He tells us are not good. We will choose Him over anything else because we LOVE Him. Not because of what He does or does not do. Because we love Him.

This is one of my favorite worship songs right now. Listen to this and let God search your heart today. Love Him with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And, if you find that you don’t, just pray a simple prayer and ask Him to help you love Him.

Romans 5:5 says, “…because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”

Ask Him to shed abroad His love in your heart today. Lord, do that in all of us. Amen.

I’m learning that, when you have cancer, you meet a lot of new friends. There have been several people who we’ve gotten to know in the waiting rooms of the doctor’s offices. Often times, you go at the same time each day, or each week for your treatments, so you see familiar faces.

There is one particular couple that we’ve seen a lot and have enjoyed getting to know. It is a husband and wife, probably in their late 60’s. She has cancer in several places on her left side. We walked into the waiting room yesterday morning and as soon as I saw her, my heart sank. She has had several rounds of chemo and is now in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank. She looked weak and exhausted.

We sat down beside them and started talking about how she was doing. Of course, it was not good. She was cold, so I wrapped her up in my huge shawl that I carry around all the time. The nurse called their name and we said, “Bye. We’ll see y’all back in the chemo room in a minute.”

About 15 minutes later, her husband came to find me and give me the shawl back. I said, “You didn’t have to do that. I’ll get it from you in the room.” His eyes were filled with tears when he said, “We won’t be seeing you in there. They are sending us home to call Hospice……………..”

There’s this kind of weird thing that happens inside your mind when you are fighting cancer. You see yourself in every situation. So, while you care deeply about the other person and what they are going through, you constantly look at these situations and imagine how you will feel if you ever have to face the same thing.

I immediately started crying. I couldn’t help it. I tried really hard to hold it in and be strong for him. I smiled at him through the tears, but I wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor for a minute.

“We can’t do anything else for you.”

I dread those words. And, as I looked into this sweet man’s eyes, I was filled with compassion for his hardship. We just hugged him.

Just a bit later, they wheeled her out and we got to speak to the wife. She looked up at Clay and said, “We just have to trust that God knows best. He must have a plan.” Of course, he smiled and agreed with her. He says this all the time. “God knows.” And He does.

How does anyone face these words without knowing Jesus? Without a belief that there is a greater purpose. A greater meaning to this life. There is so much tragedy, sickness, death, pain and anguish in this life. I am constantly amazed at how many people are with us in this battle. It would be so tragic to face it without hope.

As they wheeled her down the hallway, we stood there and watched. Tears just streamed down my face and the enemy really tried to get in my head. If God doesn’t do a miracle, the doctors have already told me that we will face that same conversation. There comes a point when the body doesn’t respond to the medicine any longer.

Clay took it really hard. He just sat with his head in his hands for several minutes. Then he started asking me what the doctors have told me to expect with him.

I just encouraged him that we are nowhere near that conversation right now. He is responding to the medicine and we are going to be grateful for that today. That’s all we can do. We have to just praise God for what He is doing right now. We can’t think too much about tomorrow.

This song came to my mind. I love Lauren Daigle. Listen to these words…..

“When you don’t move the mountain, I needed you to move.

When you don’t part the waters, I wish I could walk through.

When you don’t give the answers, as I cry out to you.

I will trust. I will trust. I will trust in you.”

These are powerful lyrics. It is easy to trust God when He is doing good things that align with our plans and dreams of what our life should look like. It is another thing, entirely, to trust Him when His plan seems devastating.

As I sat by Clay in the treatment room and prayed for this sweet couple, I read Jesus’ words in Luke.

Luke 6: 46-49 Build Your House on the Rock
“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you? Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”

Clay has referenced this scripture so many times in the past few months when talking to people about our situation. When the storm comes, you have to already be built on a strong foundation. You don’t have time to build your foundation when you see the water rising. It has to already be strong.

Jesus references two kinds of people in this scripture. Those who hear and do. And those who hear and don’t do. He’s not talking about people who’ve never heard the Word. He’s talking to those of us who hear it and know it. But, even if you regularly attend church and regularly read your Bible, you still have a choice.

To do, or not to do.

And your life could depend on this choice. The strength of your foundation depends on this choice. And, trust me, the waters WILL come. You might be living and thinking everything is great. You might look at situations around you and think, “That will never happen to me.” Don’t be so sure. I thought the same thing.

The water will come to each of us. Our foundations will be tested. How will yours hold up?

The only way to be sure that your foundation is firm, is to do what He says. To know the Word and follow it. To forsake what seems fun and entertaining right now, and realize that life is bigger than our temporary satisfaction. To lay aside our selfish ambitions and desires, and to lay our lives at the feet of Jesus. To live with a perspective that this life is brief, but what follows is eternity. Live for eternity.

Live today for what your life will be like in eternity.

Know Him. Love Him. Live for Him. Do what His Word says.

Then, when the waters rise, your foundation will stand. You will watch the water come up and you won’t even have to be afraid. You won’t be scared. You won’t be nervous. You will just have peace and confidence in knowing that your foundation is ready for this test.

You will stand and look out the window of your house with strength and confidence.

Because your God is greater. He is stronger. The wind and waves obey Him. They know His name. You will have a surety that God is in control. No matter the outcome. And, you will praise Him because He is worthy.

When the storms come, praise rises up in us because we realize how big our God is. Listen to this song. It came on last night, while I was driving home from Grace’s volleyball game. If you happened to pass me, I’m sorry! I was singing at the top of my lungs. It’s just that, when your world is falling apart, it is such a relief to just look up and say, “Great are you Lord!”

I pray that you will examine your foundation today. Allow God to examine your life and help you determine if you are living according to His Words. Are you doing what He said, or are you hearing it and not doing? I pray that, when the storm comes, your foundation will be solid and the waves will have no affect on your life.

Praise God for who He is and for His strength. It is His breath in our lungs. He created us and all that is around us. Praise Him today. Surrender your life and trust Him. He knows what is best and He sees what we cannot see. And, when we stand before Him, it will all make sense. Amen.

Psalm 34: 4-7

“I sought the LORD, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.”

Yesterday morning, these beautiful ladies were at my house for our PTF meeting for school. (Pictured from left: Danielle Musso, Ashley Starns, Danyale Persick, and Niki Hall.) When Clay first got diagnosed, back in May, the ballots for PTF had already gone out and I was reinstated as President of our PTF. At first, everyone thought (including me) that I would not have time to do it. So, a sweet friend, Danielle, stepped up to be Co-President.

I realized yesterday why the Lord had me stay involved in this group. They encouraged me so much in just a few short hours. We talked, laughed, took care of some business, and they prayed over me. Really prayed. With such love and compassion.

I was telling them that Clay has an MRI today. It is the second one. You probably remember a month ago when we went for the first MRI since radiation. There was a great deal of anticipation that day. I thought a lot about how I would feel while we waited for the results. I anticipated a great heaviness. And, to be honest, it is not a day that I would like to relive. The Lord was with us, but it was hard.

But, as I was telling the ladies about today, I realized that the Lord has “delivered me from all my fears.”

It can be funny how the Lord can answer a prayer and you don’t even realize it until you start telling someone about how you feel. So, we were standing in my kitchen, talking about the MRI, and I said to them that I thought I would be worried, anxious, maybe even afraid, but I’m not. Nor is Clay. We truly do have a peace that only God can give.

This morning, I turned in my Bible to Psalm 34, and the Holy Spirit just whispered to me….

“I did that. I delivered you. You asked and I delivered.”

And, He did. He did it. If it were not for the Lord, my heart would be anxious today. My thoughts would probably be negative. My blood pressure would be high. My knuckles would be white.

But, they aren’t. I’m at peace.

If you are wondering how this can happen, let me show you the 3 prior verses in Psalm 34:

“I will bless the LORD at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
and let us exalt his name together!”

David knew that if he magnified the Lord, if he praised the Lord, if his soul boasted in the Lord, if he exalted the name of the Lord, that God would lift him out of his fears.

That’s what we’ve been doing. Now, just like David, we are human, and we have moments where fear or anguish overtake us, but God has given us the strength to lift ourselves out of that pit and praise Him.

So, if you are in fear today…

Bless the Lord

Praise the Lord

Let your soul boast in the Lord (there is plenty to boast about, even if you are in a struggle)

Magnify the Lord

Exalt His Name

And, then, like David, PRAY.

Pray to the Lord, and He will set you free from fear.

When you take your eyes off of your surroundings…off of your circumstance….and focus your eyes on Jesus and what He is, He can set you free from fear.

It is wonderful to walk in peace. It is so much better than walking in fear. Let Him set you free today.

The MRI is at 10 am, but we won’t have the results until later this afternoon. I will update you as soon as possible. Thank you for praying for a good report, for continued restoration of Clay’s body, and for our peace.

We are praying for you. I thank God for you continually. Even those of you I don’t know. I thank Him for the work He’s doing in your lives and how He’s used you to encourage us in this valley of the shadow. You will never know, until we get to Heaven one day, how much you have lifted our spirits. Much love~

UPDATED WITH RESULTS FROM MRI:

I’m so sorry it took me a while to do this. We’ve had a busy few days.

Clay completed the MRI at 10 am and then we went to Dr. Russell’s office at 1:00. While we were waiting to see him, a patient had an emergency and he couldn’t see us until about 2:15. We were fine because there are plenty of people to visit with in his office. We got to say hello to our friends who did Clay’s treatment all those weeks.

When Dr. Russell got there, he had about 6 other patients waiting to see him, so he didn’t have much time. He called the Radiologist while we were sitting there beside him and the Radiologist said, “It is smaller.” He just looked at us with a huge smile and said, “Smaller is good!”

He didn’t have time to show us the pictures, and we were ok with that. All that matters right now, is that it is smaller. How much? We don’t know. What does this mean? We don’t really know. There are several factors that could be contributing to the decrease – reduced swelling from radiation, Chemo (Temodar) and Avastin (the new infusion drug.) Regardless, we were very pleased.

We also sent a copy to Dr. Weinberg and I’ll write more when I hear from him.

We have been rejoicing for a few days. We are just thanking God for some good news that gave us much needed encouragement.

Also, Clay seems to be feeling a little better these past few days. He looks really good. Look at the smile on his face in this picture…

And, look at Dr. Russell. I had to think that the doctor gets just as excited as the patient. I mean, his treatment plan obviously worked. He wants to see Clay live and be healthy, too. He looked really excited and relieved when the he got to say the word “smaller.” He is a wonderful, Godly man. As soon as we finished talking, he reached out his hands to us and said, “Now let’s do some thanking!” And, we prayed together to thank God for His great love, the wisdom He is providing, and His guidance over every step. Praise the Lord!

Thank you for praying and for loving us. God is doing great and mighty things in our midst. I pray that He is working in your life, even as you read our story. There is purpose in everything that happens to us. We believe that with our whole hearts. Praise God.

Yesterday was Clay’s second infusion of Avastin. Because the first MRI after radiation and chemo showed that the tumor had grown slightly, even during treatment, the doctors all agreed that adding an additional drug was the right decision.

Avastin works by preventing your body from producing blood vessels. The tumor is vascular, so that’s how it grows. The side effects are possible high blood pressure, tiredness, and some nausea.

We arrived at the Oncologist’s office at 9:45. We did blood work and saw the doctor. Y’all, Clay’s blood work looks completely normal. With all of this going on, all of these drugs in his system, and his blood work is normal….including his white blood cell count. I’m so thankful that he doesn’t have to wear a mask and be cautious about his environment. Praise God.

While we were sitting in the waiting room, this precious lady, who is obviously on chemo, comes over to me. She touches my hand and says, “Are you Kristy?” I smile immediately, because I know what she’s about to say. She is a friend of a friend and she reads the blog. Of course, tears streamed down my face while she told me how the Lord had used it to minister to her during this time. Here they are, Lewis and Karen Decell:

The doctor’s office had changed some procedures, so we had an unusually long wait. But, I think the Lord planned it because He wanted us to have 45 minutes with this sweet couple. Karen has cancer in several places in her body. They have 2 young boys that she is very concerned for. I’ll never forget looking in to her tear-filled eyes when she said, “I’m not afraid for me. I know where I’m going. I’m worried about leaving Lewis and my boys.”

Clay says this all the time. It is interesting how their view of the situation is mostly about their loved ones, and not about themselves. I guess that’s just part of the process when you are saved and you know that God is in control.

Please pray for Karen and Lewis. They are in need of a miracle. Their faith is strong, but their situation is very difficult. Pray that God will continue to give them strength in this fight and that they will be able to live out their faith in front of the watching world.

After we visited with them for 45 minutes, we got to the chemo room, and Chris and Jenna were saving us a recliner right next to them.

Jenna and I pulled up chairs by their feet and the four of us just talked the entire time.

I don’t know if you remember, but I typed a blog while we were sitting at the last treatment. That was a really bad day for me. I cried all morning because Clay didn’t feel good. I felt really out of place in the chemo room and I sat on the floor, which was really uncomfortable. I was just sad. The Lord encouraged me while I typed the blog, but it was a hard day.

Yesterday was totally different.

Clay is better than he was because they put him back on steroids. And, although this is not the place you want to see your friends, it sure does help to be surrounded by Christian friends while we are sitting in such a dark place. We talked about the Lord all morning and the things He has done. There is a true anticipation inside of all of us for what God is still going to do.

Chris got really good news last week with his CT Scan. His tumor has shrunk in half already. He is not feeling well, but they are very encouraged by the results. Praise God! I’m thankful to have friends who are walking by our side.

We went to the eye doctor for a follow up visit. Clay’s vision has not changed. His left peripheral vision is still completely black, meaning it is gone, and his general eyesight is about a 20/50. Glasses may or may not help because the problem is really in his brain, not his eyes. So, we looked and thought about getting some readers, which would have to be prescription because the lenses are different for each eye.

When he tried these glasses on, he turned to look in the mirror and busted out laughing. He said, “Oh my gosh! I look just like Steve!” Steve is Clay’s older brother. This was funny because everyone has always said Clay looks just like Ron. (Which he does.) But, with glasses he looks just like Steve. He tried on 2 pair and said, “Let’s wait.” Hahahaha. So, we didn’t get glasses.

We did something really hard this week. We went to the first funeral we’ve attended since Clay’s diagnosis. My cousin’s mother-in-law passed away and we didn’t want to miss the service. But, I knew it would be difficult to go. I was running that morning and I was praying about the day. Asking the Lord for strength to go there and focus on Jason and Amy, and not let our situation even enter my mind. I was praying for Clay and his treatment this week, when I came across this….

A dead snake. Not just dead. Decapitated. It looked like someone really had fun killing it, too. As soon as I saw it, the Holy Spirit reminded me that the head of my enemy has been taken off. He is dead. My God has won already. The last chapter of this book is already written. God is the Alpha and Omega. The Beginning and the End. That means He is already there at the end. He knows what happens. And, He told us in Revelation.

We win. The enemy dies. He is not strong enough. So, that means he’s already overcome. So, I can live this life in victory. I don’t have to live in defeat.

I don’t have to sit in a funeral and think about how this might be me soon. I don’t have to cry and mourn and believe the worst about our situation. And, I don’t have to stay home. I don’t have to stay away because it might be hard. I can go and trust God to give me the strength.

And, of course, He did. The service was beautiful. An old family friend of our’s, Brother Wayne Austin, preached and it was wonderful. I got to see most of my family and we got to be there to support Amy and Jason. Throughout the service, the Lord just spoke to me about life, and me, and the lost, and His presence. I enjoyed it.

Clay was right there, holding my hand. My crazy cousin, Andy, was on the other side of me making me laugh at the just the right times to keep me from crying. So, it all worked out good.

God is bigger than our feelings. He is more powerful than our emotions. He is a good and loving Father who comforts us when we need comforting. I am so thankful to know Him and to walk through this life with His strength and His power.

Grace’s volleyball season is in full swing. They are doing very well and she is having a great year. She is the varsity setter! We love watching her play. Clay has been to most of her games. He has a really difficult time with loud noises, so it is not easy for him to go. But, he does it anyway. He’s been wearing ear phones to the past few games, which seems to help drown out some of the louder noises. He feels rude because he seems detached, but I keep reminding him that people understand. So, all you parents that see us at the games, please don’t think Clay is rude! (Smile)

This happens a lot right now. Clay has been extremely tired. I had hoped that the Avastin and Steroids would make him better, but they haven’t. He sleeps a lot and is tired when he’s awake. So, we just spend a lot of time in the room with him. Thankfully, he is able to rest.

We just finished a revival at our church. It was a beautifully timed event for us. God really moved and He spoke directly to us through several different ministers who were there. A friend of mine took these pics from one of the services. I love the picture of Clay and his dad, surrounded by other Godly men, praying. Really praying for God to move.

As my dad was leaving the pew to go join them, he stopped to hug me and he just didn’t stop. He prayed over me like only a dad can pray for their little girl. His tears were running down my cheek as he cried and prayed for God to protect me and help me.

I share these pictures to encourage you, men. Don’t be afraid to cry and pray. Call out to God on behalf of your families. Let them hear you pray. Let them see you cry for them. Make sure they know how much you love them and how much you are asking God to strengthen them. It is such a blessing to have Godly men in my life.

Thank you so much for continuing to pray for our family. We are asking God for strength in Clay’s body. I’m praying this round of Avastin will help him. He will start back on his chemo pill this coming Sunday night. We are told that the side effects will last longer and be a bit harder each time he takes it. So, I’m expecting the next few weeks to be difficult. But, I know God will help him.

We go next Wednesday for another MRI. Dr. Weinberg asked us to have one only a month after the first. We will go in the morning for the test and get the results just after lunch. We are praying that it gone. But, if it’s not gone, we are praying that there is no new growth. Of course, I will update you when we know something.

We love you and pray that God will continue to receive glory.

 

 

A few days ago, a package arrived at my door. When I saw the words “Finish Line” on the outside, I knew immediately that the package was from my dear friend, Meredith Heath. In a text conversation, I told her that I wished she lived close to me so she could come over every morning and run with me. So, what did she do? She sent me a brand new pair of running shoes.

And, what do you think I did? I went running.

It has been several months since I’ve run, so I knew I needed some help to  pace myself, so I downloaded the Couch to 5K app. It’s a great app. The instructor talks to you while you run. You can play music, but her voice comes on to keep you motivated and to tell you what to do.

Because you are starting from your couch (meaning you are not exercising regularly) that app knows how to pace you.

You start out walking for 5 minutes, just to warm yourself up. So, I was walking along in the neighborhood, just thinking about what a gorgeous day it was. I was praying and listening to Christian music. My hearts desire was to spend time with the Lord while I ran.

After five minutes, the instructor tells me to start running. So, I am jogging along. Feeling great. Feeling totally able to keep running for miles. My heart was pumping and it felt great to be outside. After only a minute, the instructor says, “Now, walk.”

Walk? I’m thinking to myself. Walk already? We just started running. But, ok. I’ll do what the app says to do. As I slowed down, I noticed that I was walking past one of the houses in our neighborhood that flooded. Here is what it looked like during the flood:

This is only about 2 blocks from my house. The roof was barely exposed. These people lost everything they own. Here is their house today:

It has been completely gutted. The trash pile at the street is nothing compared to what it was. The entire yard along the street was piled high with the trash that was taken out of their house. This is probably their third pile that they made after the trash has already been picked up. But, this is what really got my attention…

This is the close-up view of their grass where the trash pile was. The trucks have already come and picked up the big pieces, but these little fragments of trash were left behind. So, right by my feet, as I’m running down the street, completely focused on myself and my run, are these little pieces of this family’s life, strewn across their front yard.  Look at the little pink mini van. This family has children. And, their children’s toys were ruined. And, now everything is gone to a trash dump, except these little pieces laying in the grass.

It is such a sign of brokenness. Such a sign of loss. It just made my heart hurt for what these people are going through right now. We are surrounded by families in the same situation. Yes, everyone keeps saying that it is “just stuff.” But, to them, it is important stuff. Just about everything they own is destroyed and sitting on the curb.

Suddenly, I heard the instructor on my app say, “Let’s jog!” So I got focused and starting running. I ran pretty fast this time. I still felt good and wanted to see how fast I could go. Man, a minute can be a long time, right? Especially when you are not in shape. My pace had slowed a good bit by the time I finally heard that voice say, “Now, let’s walk.”

Whew. Thank you. Walking is good. By this time, I was starting to feel just how out of shape I really am. But, I walked as fast as I could so I could push on.

The next time I heard, “Let’s jog,” I dreaded it a little. But, I just pushed through because I knew it was good for me. I told myself, “Come on, Kristy. You can do practically anything for just one minute.” And, I did it. I made it through another minute of jogging.

This cycle continued the rest of the 30 minute run. Each minute of jogging felt a little longer than the previous one. My muscles got more and more tired as the time went on. Each minute and a half of walking felt shorter and shorter.

But, I made it. I did exactly what the instructor told me to do each time. And, I survived!

I made it to the “Cool Down” phase. This is the last five minutes of your run. You just walk and let yourself start to cool down. As I was walking, I started really noticing the beauty all around me. I was working hard to complete my run, and I was so focused on doing what the app was telling me to do, that I really hadn’t stopped to see the beauty God has placed all around me. In that moment, I just admired God’s work and praised Him for who He is.

Although, the run was hard, I was surrounded by beauty the entire time.

And, finally, I made it to the finish line. I turned the corner and this is what I saw.

Home. I was home. My favorite place in this world to be. Home. I had run my course, and finish my race for the day. And, I was home. In a place of total comfort. Total peace. Where all the things I hold most dear are waiting for me. Home.

I hope, by now, you’ve noticed the spiritual significance of this story. The Lord revealed several things to me on my run.

2 Timothy 4:7, is a very famous passage of scripture. Paul says,

“I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.”

We are all running a course. This life we live is like a race, or a course for us to run.

God sends us packages, like Meredith sent me new shoes. These packages can be experiences, situations, life changes, etc. They are moments in time that change things and cause us to find ourselves running a course.

My package, in this particular race of my life, was a diagnosis. A very sudden change that put me on a new course.

Now, keep in mind that Meredith didn’t just call me and say, “Look, girl. You are really out of shape, so I’m going to send you some shoes and you need to start running.” It didn’t happen like that. I told her that I was out of shape and feeling it. I told her that I needed to start running. I didn’t ask her for shoes, but I told her I needed to run. She was sweet enough to send me the shoes, which gave me the motivation to get going.

It’s the same with God. He doesn’t force His will on us. He doesn’t just forcefully take over our lives. Do you know how long Clay and I had been praying for God to use us? To do something great with our lives? A long time. And, that’s just what He did. He responded to our prayers and He put us on a course that has become a ministry.

So, our package arrives and we start out on our course. But, we need help. We need an app that will pace us and we need an instructor to talk to us while we run our course. Our “Couch to 5K” app is the Bible and the instructor, whose voice we hear the entire time, is the Holy Spirit.

2 Peter 1: 3-4, says,

“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.”

Every time I need to accomplish something, that I know I can’t do on my own, I think of this verse. To me, this means that God has given us everything we need in order to live this Godly life. He gave us the Word, and He gave us the Holy Spirit to help us interpret the Word.

Ok. So far we’ve established the following:

I am running a difficult course.

God placed me on this course in response to my prayer for Him to use me and make me more like Jesus.

He has given me His Word and His Holy Spirit to guide me as I run.

When I first began my run, I felt so good. I felt like I could run 10 miles. But, the instructor knew I couldn’t. She knew I would get tired, so she paced me. This is what the Holy Spirit does, if we listen. He paces us as we run through life. He will prevent us from getting too tired, or getting burnt out, if we will respond to His prompts. When He says, “Walk!” we must walk. Even if we feel like we could keep running.

Likewise, when He says, “Jog,” and we are exhausted, we need to listen to Him and jog. He knows better than we do. Sometimes we can’t listen to ourselves. When your mind is telling you that you can’t do it, don’t listen to yourself. Listen to the Holy Spirit. Let Him tell you what you can do. He knows best.

Remember the flooded house and their trash pile? Just as the instructor slowed me down, I started to notice the devastation all around me. It is the same in our Christian life. If we are running our race too fast, or if we are too focused on ourself and trying to push ourself to keep going, we might miss something. We might not even notice the devastation in people’s lives all around us. You see, we are all running a course. They look different, but we are all on a course.

The Lord can’t use us in the lives of other people, if we don’t slow down for a minute to see their devastation.

For the rest of my run, I thought about how the instructor knew how to pace me. The creators of the app have studied the process and they know what your body can handle. Isn’t God the same way? He knows what we can handle. So, through the course of our life, there are times when we sprint, there are times we jog, and there are times we walk. When we are not in shape, the times of sprinting and jogging are much shorter than the times walking. Because He knows what we can handle.

As I was telling myself that I can do just about anything for one minute, I thought of how this is true in life, too. We can handle difficulties for a season, but when God knows we can’t take anymore, He gives us a season of rest. He is such a loving Father.

And, He surrounds us with beautiful reminders of Himself. If we will just take time to notice, He is constantly showing us His greatness through the beauty around us. Even though, the course may be hard, there is beauty all around that encourages us to go on.

I was excited to hear the words, “Cool down,” because I knew that this course was coming to an end. I had listened to the instructor and done everything she told me to do. Isn’t that how you want to feel when you come to the end of your course? Don’t you want to know you did everything that the Holy Spirit said. Because this course is preparation for the next course. And, each course we run is making us more and more like Jesus.

Until, eventually, we completely finish the course and He brings us home to be with Him. Turning our corner, and seeing Heaven, will be so much better than my feeling of turning the corner and seeing my earthly home. I can’t wait. Won’t it be wonderful? It will all be worth it when we see our new home and our precious Savior, who will greet us at the door.

I hope this helps you today. I hope it encourages you in your own race. Let God speak to you through your daily life. Ask Him to help you listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit. He will guide you. Stay tuned into His Word. Do what He says. In the end, you will see that He knows best. Don’t listen to yourself. Listen to Him.

And, most importantly, keep the faith. Keep the faith. Don’t faint. Don’t grow weary. Keep the faith. That is the greatest thing that Paul did. Through every trial and a most difficult life, he was an example to us of how to KEEP THE FAITH. And, he knew that, because he kept the faith, there was a great reward for him. That reward is for us, too. If we follow his example.

Help us, Lord. Amen.

 

You know the story. You’ve seen the movie scene. Or, maybe you’ve just imagined what that place was like in your mind as you read the story. You have probably even heard a sermon or two about that night.

The drops of sweaty blood.  The agony that Jesus felt. The sleeping disciples. The betrayal.

But, have you been there?

Have you been to Gethsemane?

Maybe you are there right now. In a dark garden. In the night. Agonizing and weeping in sorrow over your life. Over your current situation. Weeping before God over what He is asking of you.

I’m here with you. And, Jesus is here, too.

I believe that Jesus’ Gethsemane experience was more about me and you, than it was about Him. I believe that He went to Gethsemene so He could show us how to go there. We can learn from how He did it….

Luke 22:39-46

“And he came out and went, as was his custom, to the Mount of Olives, and the disciples followed him. And when he came to the place, he said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.” And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. And when he rose from prayer, he came to the disciples and found them sleeping for sorrow, and he said to them, “Why are you sleeping? Rise and pray that you may not enter into temptation.”

It was Jesus’ custom to go out and pray. You see, we can’t wait until our Gethsemane experience to learn to pray. We must know how to pray before we get to this place. Jesus made it a regular practice to withdraw from the world, his followers, the business of life…to pray. To seek God. To listen to God’s voice. To bring His mind and thoughts back to God.

We must do the same. If we want to make it through the most difficult moments in life. If we want to walk through our fires without being burned. We must learn to do as Jesus did. “He came out and went.” Find your Mount of Olives. Find that place you can go and just sit in the presence of God. Where you can share your heart with Him and allow Him to refresh you.

Although He did this regularly, this night was different.

He knew in His spirit that His most difficult task was ahead. He knew what was waiting for Him at dawn. He felt sorrow and pain. The Bible says He was in agony.

So, He further withdrew. He removed Himself, even from His closest friends and followers. He knew that this was the kind of prayer that had to be just between Him and His Father. This was more personal than any other prayer. It was private. So, He put distance between Himself and everyone else and He got alone with God.

“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me.”

Have you ever prayed these words? As I recall times in my past when I prayed this prayer, it sounded more like this…

“Father, I demand that you get me out of this situation immediately.”

Ok. Maybe I didn’t say it just like that to Him, but that is what my heart meant. I’ve had times when I went to Him and just almost demanded that He do something to change my current circumstance. I’ve begged and pleaded. Like you, I’ve handled it wrong many times.

But this time is different. This circumstance is different. Like Jesus, on that night, I am completely broken. I am fully aware that God must move in a mighty way if my circumstance is to change. I feel the weight of what He is asking me to do. I feel the agony of what waits for me at dawn.

So, all I can do is look to Jesus to show me what to do. He said these words….

“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me.”

Jesus knew that He had to go to the cross. He knew that He was born for that purpose. He knew there was no other way for redemption to be brought to the world. He knew.

But, He still asked for the Father to remove the cup, if He was willing.

I think He did that for us. I think He did it to show you and to show me that it is ok for us to be honest with God. If you are agonizing over something in your life, it is ok for you to ask God to remove the cup. No one desires to go through hardship. No one longs for a chance to have a broken heart. No one begs for the chance to be desperate. Not even Jesus.

He was God in the flesh, but He stopped and asked God if there was any other way to accomplish what needed to be done.

Listen to the humility in this prayer:

“Father, if you be willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.”

That prayer can only be prayed in sincerity from a broken,  humbled heart. Jesus was entirely humble. There was no pride in that prayer. He knew that, in that moment, there was no room for His own thoughts or desires. There was no room for His ideas. Eternity depended on Jesus’ ability to lay down His will.

Before He could lay down His life, He had to lay down His will.

It is the same for us.

We pray these eloquent prayers and we ask God to take our lives and use us for His glory. And, I think we think we mean it. It sounds so pretty and exciting to be able to say that we were used by God. But, what happens when His will and our will don’t align?

What happens when we realize that His will is going to really mess up all our plans we have for our future??

He has to come and break us, humble us, and bring us to a place of total submission in which we can say,

“Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.”

And, sometimes that requires agony and sweaty blood. It can be really hard for us to submit.

But, look what happens. As soon as Jesus prays this prayer, God sends an angel to strengthen Him. Ok, imagine this. He is God. He is God in the flesh. He is almighty, right? But, in this moment, even God needed to be strengthened.

Doesn’t that make you feel so much better? Doesn’t it comfort you to know that even Jesus needed to be strengthened? We are not alone. And, we are not necessarily in sin. It is ok if we need God to strengthen us, at times. And, He wants to do it. He wants to help us. He is a loving God who is just waiting for us to come with a broken heart and ask for His help.

Don’t overlook something very important here, though. Read the prayer, again. Although Jesus asked God to remove the cup, he humbly submitted Himself to the will of God, regardless of the price. Regardless of the pain. Regardless of the sacrifice. He desired the will of God more than His own. And….THEN….then, God sent the angel to strengthen Him.

Are you fighting God’s will? Are you resisting His plans? Are you sweating your drops of blood because you are resisting God? Stop resisting. He can’t strengthen you when you are fighting against Him. Submit to His will. Accept His will with a humble heart, and THEN He will send His angels to strengthen you.

Notice what happens next. The angel comes and strengthens Jesus, but the agony was still there. The strength He was given helped Him pray more earnestly, but He was still in agony. He actually didn’t sweat the drops of blood until AFTER the angel came. He used the strength God gave Him to continue to press in. To continue to pray. To not fall asleep, but rather continue praying and seeking God.

Contrast this to Jesus’ disciples, who were just a stone’s throw away. They were sleeping. The Bible says they were sleeping from sorrow, not exhaustion. In the chapter before this passage of scripture in Luke, Jesus has just told the disciples that His time has come. They are prepared for a physical battle, to which Jesus told them to bring swords. Remember, they don’t really understand the big picture at this point. He’s telling them that He has to die, but they don’t really get it.

So they are sleeping for sorrow. How many times have you slept from sorrow? Our natural reaction to difficulty is to allow the weight of it to press us down. To push us so low to the ground that we just fall down and sleep. That is exactly what the devil wants you to do. When sorrow comes, he wants you to sleep.

Because you can’t pray when you are sleeping. You can’t be pressing in closer to God while you are sleeping.

These men loved Jesus. They were ready to fight for Him. They followed Him for 3 years. They gave up everything to live with Him. Yet, they allowed their sorrow to push them into depression and sleep, rather than staying close to Jesus and helping Him pray. He even warned them and asked them to pray with Him, but they didn’t. They slept.

I believe that this is a picture of much of the church today. We are a stone’s throw away from Jesus. He is agonizing over the world and the lost. We are close enough to hear Him pray, but we are letting the weight of the world weigh us down so much that all we can do is sleep.

But, if we can just recognize what is happening. If we can allow ourselves to go where Jesus is. If we can be humble and submit ourselves to the will of God, He will come and strengthen us. We don’t have to sleep under the pressure of our circumstance. We can be filled with strength to continue through the night in prayer. God can fill us with the strength we need to face our dawn. Whatever awaits us, His strength will be sufficient.

I wonder what could have happened if the disciples had not slept? Before Gethsemane, they were prepared to go to battle for him. But after they slept, they ran in different directions as they abandoned Him in His greatest time of need. They denied Him.

Imagine the sorrow they felt. Judas couldn’t stand it and he just ended his own life. They were all sorrowful and broken for what they had done.

What they failed to realize is that this was their Gethsemane experience, too. Had they done what Jesus did, they could have saved themselves so much pain. They could have honored Him. They could have fulfilled His will. They could have been victorious. But, instead, they failed.

I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to feel shame and sorrow for abandoning my Saviour.

I know you don’t either.

So, we must look to Jesus as our example. He led the way. He lived out the example before us.

We have to lay down our will. Just as Jesus did. We have to pray, from a humble heart, for God’s will and not our own. We have to submit to His plans. And, the hard part, is that we have to mean it. God sees the depths of our hearts, so this can’t just be lip service. It has to be sincere.

And, when it is sincere, He comes to strengthen us.

We must use that strength to continue to pray and believe Him. And through that strength, we can accomplish anything that He asks us to accomplish. Although we may still feel agony and sorrow, we will have the strength to complete the task.

And, in the end, we will be victorious and we will hear these words,

“Well done, my good and faithful servant!”

One last important thought….I pray that you can see through this story that God is a loving God. He doesn’t want us to suffer. He doesn’t sit in heaven and dream up ways He can make your life harder. He loves you.

But, sin entered the world because He gave us a free will. (He has given me an entire blog on this subject, so we’ll revisit this at a later time.)

Because sin is here and the world is not perfect, there is going to be pain. Through the hardships of life, God is able to demonstrate to the world that He loves us. He uses our lives to do this. And, one day, when we are with Him in heaven, He will show us all the rewards that we earned while He demonstrated His power through our lives.

Don’t be a sleeping disciple. Otherwise, your agony will be followed by failure.

Be like Jesus. Submit. Humble yourself. And let God receive glory through your life. And if this seems impossible, that’s because it is. We must have the strength that only He can give.

So, go to your Gethsemane. Come out from where you are and retreat to Gethsemene. It is only there that God can take a broken life and fill it with supernatural strength.

Remember this….of all the wonderful things that Jesus did on this earth….John says that no book could contain it all…

His greatest accomplishment happened after His night in Gethsemane. Amen.

 

One week ago today, we walked into the Chemo Room at Dr. McCanless’s office to visit Chris and Jenna. The first words out of my mouth were, “I’m so thankful that we don’t have to do this.” Five days later, guess what we’re doing?

I mentioned in my last post that our doctors were petitioning our insurance company to allow Clay to start a new drug called Avastin. Avastin is administered with Temodar (the chemo pill) in some patients. When Dr. Russell originally called Dr. Friedman at Duke University, Dr. Friedman suggested the Avastin right away. But, our insurance wouldn’t agree to pay for it, because it is not in the standard of care.

When we got less than satisfying results on the MRI, Dr. Russell told us he believed God was going to use this to help us get the approval for the Avastin, which is what we wanted, anyway. He is a Godly man who encourages us at every turn. Love him!

While we were waiting, I sent a copy of Clay’s MRI to his Neuro Surgeon at MD Anderson. Remember Dr. Weinberg? I’ll never in a million years forget him. I hope to goodness I get to see him in heaven one day because I want to remember him for eternity, too. He was used mightily by God to save Clay’s life and I love him for it.

He was very kind to me over the phone. He reviewed the results of the MRI with me. In his opinion, the tumor has grown some during the radiation. He assured me that radiation is a proven tool with Glioblastoma and he is convinced that the radiation helped. Which probably means that the tumor would have grown faster had we not been radiating.

He reminded me that more surgery will be an option if the tumor continues to grow. He has operated as many as 4 times on some of his patients. Patients respond differently to treatment and there is always such variation in each case, so he really can’t predict what will happen next. He asked me to have a follow up MRI in 4 weeks, instead of 8 weeks. Dr. Russell agreed and it is scheduled for Oct. 5.

He also asked the Oncologist at MD Anderson to call me. Her name is Dr. Weathers. She is wonderful. She stayed on the phone with me for over 20 minutes. She agreed with the decision to add the Avastin right away. She agreed with Dr. Weinberg’s assessment that there is most likely some growth. She explained possible side effects and signs to watch for. It helped me a lot to talk to her.

She thinks that the Avastin may actually make Clay feel better, rather than worse. Avastin prevents the body from producing blood vessels. The reason it helps Glioblastoma is because the tumor is a vascular tumor. My understanding is that it grows new blood vessels in order to increase it’s mass. The doctors talk about the tumor like it is alive. Like it is a demon. Dr. Weathers said that this tumor is very intelligent. So, eventually, it will learn how to grow blood vessels, even with the Avastin.

I hate the devil. I hate him so much. He is so evil and wicked. It makes me so angry to think about him taking pleasure in this process. It’s like he literally made that tumor and gave it evil characteristics. Sometimes when I think about the tumor, I get chills when I imagine that thing growing inside of Clay. The only way I can stand it, is to bring my thoughts to what the Word tells me about Satan’s end. He loses. He loses big. As hard as he is trying, he will fail. My God is greater and stronger than anything he can bring against us.

And, I smile when I think about how he was hoping to destroy us, but he is failing at that, too. God has given us supernatural strength to stand and praise Him in this storm. Satan will lose at every turn. I wonder if he ever gets used to it?

Now, don’t misunderstand. Although the Lord has enabled us to praise Him, it is still the hardest thing we’ve ever done. If you think I’m always strong, think again. I have my fair share of moments. Today was one. Yesterday was one. The day before was one……let’s just say that I have cried plenty of tears. But, every time I cry, the Lord comforts me. The Word says He is near to the brokenhearted and I am a testimony that this is true.

I have learned that it is ok for us to have emotions about our situations in this life. God made us with these emotions. It is not a sin for us to feel the pain of our sorrow. God longs to be our comfort and be our friend, so He draws near when we feel these emotions. We fall into sin when we allow ourselves to just stay there. If we remain in our pit of despair, and we don’t allow Him to comfort us, we fall into sin and depression. We eventually become angry and we will find ourselves on a downward spiral.

David wrote so many Psalms like Psalms 39:2 – 3.

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord.”

In order for the Lord to lift David out of the pit of despair, he had to be there in the first place. So, even David went into that pit that we sometimes find ourselves in. And it doesn’t say that God came along and reprimanded him. It doesn’t say that God punished him. It says He lifted him out.

The miracle of God helping us out of our pit, is just as great as the miracle of healing. He helps us in our difficulties so that the world can see and be astounded that we can walk through our fires and not be burned. And this is what He is doing for us right now. The pit is real. I face it everyday. And, sometimes I find myself just sitting in it. I’ve cried so many tears and my heart has imagined every possible outcome of our situation. But, the Lord always comes. He always comforts me. Always. He is so faithful.

“We try so hard to please God by things we do FOR Him, but He receives His joy by what He does THROUGH us. Because His glory is in what HE does. The rewards we earn are for Him alone.”

I found this note in my notebook that I use during church. It is most likely that Pastor Lee said this. I wrote it on the back of a page. I do this when he says something that really jumps out at me. Look at the date. Do you know what happened on May 2, 2016? This note was written in my notebook just hours before Clay’s first symptoms and one day prior to his diagnosis. Wow. God is so amazing. He gives us everything we need to live this life He has called us to live. He was feeding me these words of life, just hours before my world would be shaken. 

Look at the note. Everything we need to do comes out of just being with Him. Do you love me? The back page says, “One thing I desire!” I have prayed that prayer so many times. In the altar, crying to the Lord that I desire to be closer to Him. To know Him more. To be used by Him.

This past Sunday, Pastor Lee preached about spending time in the presence of God. Not just reading our Bibles or saying a rehearsed prayer, but really sitting in the presence of God. So, you can imagine, the altar time was amazing. We just sang and prayed for a long time while the Lord refreshed us and helped so many of us who are struggling through life right now.

While I was singing along with the song, I noticed the words I was saying. They were something like, “You are my everything. All I desire is you.” I clearly heard the Lord ask me if that was true. He asked me, “What do you desire more? To know me? or to see Clay’s healing?”

Please don’t misunderstand. God is a loving God. He is not holding Clay’s healing over my head as a ransom. I promise. He is coming to me in a very loving way and He is searching my heart. Which is what I was asking Him to do. He doesn’t invade us. We have to allow Him to do this. And, I want it. I’ve asked Him to do it so many times. So, I sat there. Silent. While I asked myself the same question. I searched for the truth.

Although my heart is in a thousand pieces, the truth is that I desire Jesus more. And, by the way, so does Clay. He has told me many times that he would not want God to heal him if it wasn’t God’s will, or if it would require us to lose out on anything God wants to do through us. He has truly given us a heavenly perspective and our hearts are in heaven, now. I know, with every fiber of my being, that we are going to be with Jesus soon, and nothing in this life will matter. Only what we’ve done for Him. Rather….only what we’ve allowed Him to do THROUGH us.

So, I’m begging Him to keep our hearts and give us endurance to run this race. I’m begging Him to keep our eyes fixed on heaven when they are so easily pulled back to this earth and our desire for this life to be comfortable.

I’m sitting on the floor in the chemo room, right by Clay’s feet, reading my Bible and typing this blog. I’ve been crying all morning because he has not been feeling well. He has been in bed for two days and just getting up to get dressed and come here this morning was very difficult for him. I valet parked at the hospital and he walked in the door and just laid down on a bench. He’s so tired and I can’t really do much with him when he is like this. So, I got pretty emotional.

By the time we made it up to the doctor’s office, via wheelchair, the tears had started flowing. The sweet nurse just brought me my own box of tissue and I have used it. I hate to be emotional around people that don’t know us because I never want anyone to think that we are devastated. We are not. But, sometimes I just have a hard time holding back tears. And, even while I’ve been sitting here typing, the Lord has lifted me out of my despair. I’m about to throw all the tissue away.

They decided to put him back on a high dose of steroids because the symptoms are most likely from swelling. He got a big dose via IV before the Avastin and he’ll continue the pills at home for the time being. The Avastin has finished and now they are giving him fluids. He hasn’t eaten much the past few days and was a little dehydrated. He looks better already. I’m encouraged that the Lord will use these tools to help him.

Thank you for your faithful prayers, for your love and much needed support. All glory to God, who is our strength and our friend. We should be on our way home very soon. We love you all and feel so loved by you. Thank you.